Context: So the other night my girlfriend and I were chatting, I was frustrated with my job and a conversation I was having asking for a late start because of a sudden personal emergency. I took a SC of the chat sent it off to her cause I was asked why I was in a bad mood. The response was “I didn’t know you had a wife”. Which sent me into a panic. All my profiles state that I am partnered that I’m actively poly. Mind you I’ve been dating this girl for three months she’s been to my house she’s met my wife they’ve talked together and everything. I feel like it’s shortsighted to not assume that my wife is well my wife. Especially when I’ve always made it clear I have a partner. My wife and I we just generally don’t address one another as such we say partner it’s been like that for 3 years. I’m using the titles here to avoid confusion.

Later on that night I was told by my girlfriend that she was just coping with realizing that this is as far as our relationship goes. Which again confused me, I didn’t know if it was relating to me leaving the country for half a year or her and I furthering our own relationship so I tried to talk about both. I was met with basically stonewalling and deflection. I kept trying to talk it out and air it out. Eventually I just said okay you don’t want to talk about this have a good night. I tried reassuring her that there are many avenues that we could explore with poly. No not a throuple I will never do that.

I’m trying to be proactive and reassuring but I’m rattled I feel on edge. I have a lot going on with work and my own mental state because of work today I’m so strained I can feel and hear my pulse in my ears. I want to just get upset but I know that is not right. I’m aggravated because we both know we’re adults we have our own lives and everything that comes with it. She has children which limits how much I can be around because we agreed that I wouldn’t be present around them to avoid issues. We agreed that we were both comfortable with poly and that we’d always be upfront with info. I honestly swear that I mentioned and stated that I had a wife but she can’t remember.

Beyond that I’m aggravated because I view marriage as a contract. I am married to my wife so that if I was killed while I was deployed she could exhume my body and have insurance to keep our pets and her afloat for some time. We’ve stayed married to get funds from the federal government for housing and prep ourselves for when I’m a civilian again. Being with someone who’s poly and married doesn’t mean you’ll be secondary to me. I guess to my girlfriend that might be what it means which is baffling because I’ve admitted that I love her that I care for her I help her with her insecurities I build her up the same way I build myself up. I really don’t know how to approach this or what to do. I’m also just having a really rough day mentally.

Help?