Reposting here from r/relationship_advice, half worried one of them looks at this sub but maybe it'll spark a meaningful conversation.

I'm going to preface this first and foremost by saying, yes I am well aware this is a messy situation. Like 8 different genres of messy. If that's fun for you, then please feel free to have a giggle. I want someone to benefit from this misery.

Details obviously have been fiddled with for privacy.

I (22m), have been engaged to my current partner, Arthur (23m), for about 7 months, with a fair bit of dating prior. He has his husband, Bart (30m), and then his husband has his fiance, Collin (FuckIfIKnow,M). It is a poly relationship, but not in that we all love and hug each other, I am exclusively with my fiancé and don't really interact with the other two, and Collin is with Bart (but has multiple other partners).

Non-romantically, I am married to my best friend, Gus (21n), and live with them, and we get along absolutely divine, and they are probably the closest relationship I've ever had in my life, romantic or not. My fiancé knows we're married non-romantically, but has some issues with Gus.

Additionally, my fiancé and I are currently long distance, but we have plans to move in together around mid-next year... which is kind of where it starts to fall apart.

Originally, when planning a place to move, I wasn't included in the conversation at all. My fiancé was loving, but misguided and trying to keep me from being stressed since I was not in a great place with work, family, or really anything emotionally. So I guess in his mind he was trying to keep from stressing me out even further by planning where we were going to move but... I mean, imagine how you'd feel if you suddenly found out you were moving somewhere and weren't ever given any input.

Another important bit of information is he actually didn't give opinions on moving either, Bart actually made a majority of the decisions.

But, with that obviously being an issue, Arthur and I agreed to actually talk about it and rework things since it wasn't okay I didn't get a say. Nothing was set in stone so no big problems- except that his husband, Bart, was pissed about having to change plans because he was already looking at houses and neighbourhoods...

As well as it should be said, the state they'd planned on is the state that Collin currently lives in. Unfortunately, the state is smack dab in the midwest, and not somewhere I'm comfortable with moving. I'm from the Northwest US and I have a very strong attachment to mountains, trees, and nature. I plan to go back and finish school once I have the money saved up to get my degree in forest management so that I can study mycology ecology! It's something I'm very passionate about.

And, well, the midwest isn't known for it's forests, or it's mountains.

But, at this point Bart absolutely pissed because I'm being an asshole for making him rework the plan, which leads to him having an absolute meltdown at me for it- complete with cussing me out, and then a second meltdown about me to Arthur when I stood my ground and told him he was not allowed to treat me like that. (This is a pattern, if he is upset with me for anything, he will refuse to speak with me and will only go through Arthur.)

But after a bit of cooling down by all parties, the discussion comes back up and it seems an effort is made for getting input from all parties, everyone gives lists of Wants and Needs, and upon analyzing it seems the safest bet that meets the most requirements is actually the lower Northeast. Everyone seems fairly content with this decision for a hot minute!

Except, Collin apparently doesn't want to live anywhere more than a 6 hour drive away from his hometown because he has family there, but Collin won't use the group chat to talk about it and exclusively goes through Bart. And thus failed to mention this when the discussion first comes up because his hometown is in the midwest, in the state we agreed not to go to, and... I don't know honestly. But suddenly what everybody discussed doesn't matter anymore because of this suddenly being the only factor that matters to Bart and Collin- mind, I'm moving thousands of miles away from everyone I care about except Arthur, and both of my parents are currently slowly dying. But the Northwest was never an option so I had to acquiesce that from the very beginning.

I will admit, I do hold resentment over that and I can't bring it in myself to let it go.

Another fight is brewing, and at this point I'm exhausted because Arthur and I are routinely fighting because Bart keeps insinuating I'm the one being difficult and Arthur just wants it all to be over with. He's mad at being the middle man, and despite me trying to talk to Bart it never goes anywhere because he'll stop talking to me and only talk to Arthur.

The communication is astounding and flawless, I know.

I don't have an option anymore, except for to what? Break up with the man I love over it? Maybe I can make the midwest work, so I give up and agree to move to the midwest.

So talk about buying the house begins, and we all gives our opinions again. It feels a little early since we're months out from even being able to move, but house buying is just like that.

When asked to give opinions about the house, I still tried to give what I could, stating my desires (I don't have a lot of strong opinions about houses, I'm more a location kind of guy and that's already tossed out so... I don't have much to say, except that I can't stand carpet. Even walking on it too long makes my stomach hurt, it's a weird texture thing for me that I've had since I was little.)

So my one strong opinion is fuck carpet. The house that's voted on has a carpeted basement.

I'm tired. I feel spoken over. I'm tired of giving opinions because they don't matter and no matter what I say it seems to piss Bart off and then Arthur fights with me because Bart is pissed. Okay.

I mention this concern and that I'm not comfortable with how I'm being treated by Bart, it sparks another huge fight. Okay.

And yes, side note, the plan is for everyone in the house to pay for shit equally, not just one person paying for it. However, Bart feels that he and Arthur get final say because "Their the one's actually putting shit on the line". Okay. Everyone is moving thousands of miles away, except Collin, with no easy accessible support system and if something goes wrong we're homeless in an unfamiliar state but. Okay.

Arthur wants Bart and I to bond more, but Bart won't even talk to me because he hates the way I talk, and always stops every conversation 3 messages in. He then complains to Arthur about it in what I've just taken as trying to start fights between Arthur and I. Arthur is upset and tells me I need to just reach out and talk to him more. Mind, Bart doesn't reach out to me- end sentence. He did once or twice to confirm an opinion about a message I hadn't seen in the group chat, but since I had a neutral stance he just told Arthur I'm being difficult and well. History repeats.

Bart doesn't like me, I'm pretty certain he wasn't as ready for his partner to have another partner as he claimed to be, but wanted to be able to date Collin and couldn't exactly deny his partner having a second partner in that situation. He claims to not dislike me, but you cannot get him to say anything positive about me.

Bart also does not work (he does have an income though, he simply doesn't actually work), he doesn't really ever cook, or clean, or take care of the animals pretty much from my understanding. All housework currently falls on Arthur.

I'm also not a huge fan of Bart, I don't like the way he treats Arthur, I don't like the way he treats me.

More points: Bart gets VERY upset when 'couple's privilege' is brought up, like blows up upset. Bart also doesn't like having to waste energy in the group chat about decisions when he and Arthur can just talk and then feed us other two the scraps/summary of the conversation and decision in the group chat. Bart has called me immature before, and has also told Arthur he doesn't want to have to listen to my opinions.

I love Arthur, so very very much, we've grown a lot together and I would give my left kidney to marry that man, grow old, and tell him every day until we die how much he means to me. I want to live with him! I love him so much that I melt a bit every time I see his face or hear his voice.

But... I don't want to move to a state that I expressed being a hard no for me, with two people who have proven already they don't respect me in the slightest, and Arthur is too tired to be on anyone's side anymore so he's neutral party because he just doesn't want to be involved.

Especially since like I said, I live with Gus and it's amazing. And safe. Gus respects me, we work together on things, we vibe on a soul level and understand each other more than anyone else in the world.

So I'm really torn on it, because on one hand I want to live with Arthur and be married and be happy, but I cannot imagine living in that house will be anything other than hell. I don't think there would be room for a happy marriage, I firmly believe that that would end up being the end of our relationship based off environment alone.

I don't even think I'd survive for longer than a month before I'd just, off myself personally. But I love Arthur, I don't want to throw everything away over it but. Fuck, I don't want to land in that mess.

Gus is worried about it as well, and we agreed to let the other three move in first and see how that works for a bit before I move in. I'm terrified of actually having to move there. I'm terrified of the day coming where I have to make the decision to move in.

Feel free to call me dumb for getting myself into this situation, and whatever sordid advice you have can't be any worse than my own stupidity. I'm so tired. Arthur is the one person on this earth I've ever imagined a romantic future with, he means the world to me.

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Edit: Despite being 'engaged' there's obviously no plans for making it legal being that it's not, well, legal. But we do want a ceremony that's everything but the paper.