I dipped my toes into the water of polyamory in early 2019. Over the past 3ish years I have been intertwined in a handful of "poly" relationships. Living in this lifestyle, I heard the word "compersion" thrown around quite a lot, but I couldn't really understand it,.... Until I did.

If you asked me three years ago what compersion was, I would have parroted back to you, "the opposite of jealousy. Feeling happy for your partner experiencing happiness with someone else." Simple, succinct, and straight from Google.

At this time, I was a primary to my first poly partner - This was where we took a wrecking ball to all of the walls and preconceived notions of what a relationship "should" look like. They introduced me to a different kind of relationship, having play partners (and then having multiple). The taste of this kind of lifestyle drew me in, but the relationship itself transitioned to a friendship, and even a sort of kinship. I thank this person for being my friend and helping me learn.

Two years ago I'd have scoffed and said it was the delusion of those that were in too deep to admit that they were apathetic to their relationship, and being "happy" was easier than admitting the truth.

At that point, I was a concubine to my second partner Through rose colored glasses, red flags just look like.. flags. This relationship was everything I thought I wanted. The comfort of a caregiver, the guidance of a teacher, and the romance of a person who knew exactly the words to whisper in my ear.

This relationship ended up being none of those things. Unbeknownst to me, what this partner really wanted was a harem, disguised as poly. Where I desired education, I discovered explosive anger and emotional violence. The hands I sought for love and comfort, became those of a skilled puppeteer, masterfully manipulating the strings of me, the unwitting marionette.

As I look back over the many things that have changed in my life, in objectively a very short time, I find myself focusing on this one thing. One word.

And how, for me, even this one word has continued to change. Evolving, waiting for the right time to reveal itself. It amazes me how the things I thought I knew then, are so very different today.

But as they say, we are the sum total of our experiences.

Today I know what it means to see my partner smile and laugh, and from across the room be engulfed in warm, unbridled happiness.

I finally know how it feels to love, and be loved, unconditionally.