So for background, I (f28) nest with my partner Leo(M28) of 07 years. And have another partner Ray(F28) of one year.

This is about me and Leo, we started off in a mono relationship, it was the first relationship ever for both of us, I din't even know non-monogamy was an option. Before the one year mark we opened up for me to explore my sexuality, he never wanted to pursue other connections for himself.Not to say the opening was smooth from the beggining, mostly for me functioning very diferently about boundaries and not recognizing things were or even could be a problem for him, and him being shit a recognizing and expressing his emotions and what bothered him.

But the will to be toguether and make it work was always there, and we were able to build an stable and wonderfull relationship, with much love, trust and respect.

It went on stably for years untill we moved in at the beggining of 2021, I guess being nesting partners put many things to light that he was able to ignore and be in denial before when we weren't toguether everyday, coupled with another partnership of mine getting more serious.He fully realised the space and importance my partners had in my life, and started not being able to deal more and more (not that I haven't repeteadly talked about that).He started to get more and more bothered with me spending time with my partner, I tried to get to the root of it (again, he has a hard time identifying and expressing his emotions), intentionally make quality time for us and so on.He is one of those people who "don't believe in teraphy", so I was already extremely frustrated feeling like we aren't getting nowhere, we're stuck, it's a cycle of him getting bothered to the point of it affecting him, so we talk and he understands my side but can't elaborate on his so he just bottles it up and it's back to normal until something else sets him off, and the problem keeps sitting there unresolved being pushed back.

But it all came to an apex this weekend, I just started a new job and one of the benefits, a meal ticket just arrived and he was saying how I'd be the one to pay for our food this friday, and I said that I've been waiting to be his sugar but friday I'll be out with Ray remeber? (had let him know that more than 02 weeks in advance but he forgot) and he imediately closed off, can be defined as sulking as guess, like he'll answer if I ask something but barely, and without any opening to talk more, he'll barely look at me and so on, he won 't deny affection if I ask for it, but I can still feel the distance and it kills me. He'll not want to do any activity with me and just lay in bed eyes closed saying he is tired.Not new behaviour, so I let him process a bit before pushing more to talk.

I go to my overnight date on friday, I have a party on saturday (he didn't want to go) and sunday keep being distant until before sleep I push again that we need to talk, asking what can I do to make him feel safe and what can we do about this distance between us.

He said pretty much that he is sad and realizing that our relationship will never be just us, he wants to be priority for us to do things toguether (be a unit as a couple always?) and can't be sharing my attention like this anymore. He's been thinking about what he wants for life in five years and it's for it to be just us, building our lives as a couple, being each other's priority. That he is okay with me being independent and doing things by myself, going out with friends and so on. But only friends, not physical/romantic relationships.

Well, I want to build those exact same things, I want to be with him and he is my priority, but I don't see having other partnerships as taking away from those things, and I can't be in a monogamous relationship.I have another relationship. I love her and it matters, I'd never break up bc of an ultimatum of another relationship, or put a end date to it.Even if I didn't have additional partners, could I try being mono for a couple months? maybe years? I'm bi and a horny motherfucker, just the confrontation of never being with women again is already a certainty. I could try to repress who I am, but I know I'd be very very frustrated and would just cause ressentment.And I mesh so well with poly, that's how I work, It's so freeing building connections without limiting what you can do and with whom. I'm also not jealous or possessive, I've never felt the need or anything positive for being the only.

I wish there was another solution but there isn't, I had hope that we could work things out. But Leo can't, or won't try to do any of the emotional work. He knows that is who I am and how I work, he loves me so much and tried, don't know if his best (with the whole being in denial thing instead of confronting the hard things), but he did, and now he finally admited he can't do this forever (I kinda knew it would eventually come to it).

I think he thinks I'm going to choose him, or at least try mono for a while (the same way he put effort to try poly for me) but I don't think I can, all these years living like this my convictions only got stronguer, I could try, he does deserve it, but I also know it's not sustainable for me.

I'm so lost. I don't know how I'll be strong enough to go through breaking up.I think he is going to go back once he sees I won't go back to mono ever and try to actually break up. (happened before in our last confrontation, where he wanted me to "temporalily close our relationship" and deescalate things to only friendship with my other partner, while we worked things out... I of course told it was not an option, independent relationships and all that, was even confused he tought it was an option, and he backed up) And I'll keep hurting him, and the "problem" won't be solved bc he has mono expectations and those needs will never be fully completed bc I'll never be mono, no matter how I try to give him everything I have, and "fix" what bothering him by more direct means.

How can I even have this conversation.