Hey all so I’ll lay down a ground rule my partner and I had that had since been revised a lot with us both talking and discussing what would be best for the relationship. We’ve done poly from the start (funny story there I’ll share of asked) but one of the starting rules just for the both of us was that on first meetups it’s introductory we generally keep our hands to ourselves but we had always had an amnesty period where once everything was done if we just talked we could go past it.

Well that’s where my scenario Comes in. My partner (now she from here on out) went out on a date simple movie and dinner however around I think 11pm given she’d left at mmmmm 5ish I think I texted her asking if everything was okay. Fast forward lol got home about 2am we talked it out and I thought that was the end of that. Couple days later I did the worst thing you could do I snooped and I saw their message thread. In there I saw him talking about choking her and feeling her up. I was confused she had told me that nothing happened and she’d never lied to me before about anything. So I screen capped it sent it to myself and I sat on that hurt and anger for a couple hours. When she got back home I tossed the phone on the bed and had her look at it then asked again if anything had happened. She came clean that she had lied and tried to back pedal saying nothing had happened further than that. We fought I told her I was down with polyam and that if she couldn’t do that then to leave me.

Fast forward again we had cooled off I had accepted that I wanted polyam as much as her but the issue was that despite my explaining (several times) that I would never be able to be comfortable with her dating someone she cheated on me with I gave her the answer of I’ll think about it. Just because I couldn’t personally deal with it at those moments I finally broke it down and said no I admitted that I dragged it out because I wanted her to understand the hurt I had been put through by experiencing loss of her own. Since then we revised our whole approach to polyam and everything really.

I know I’m not innocent in this and I didn’t mean to write myself out as such. I should have been forthright and at this point now I am. For example in a couple weeks a man she is very excited to meet is moving to the base I am at. I’m excited for her as well but I explained that as I’m going through hell with work and family that I need her to remember I exist and that I also need a little love and support physical and mental and that I was worried that I’d end up just feeling like the roommate not the partner.

So end question would you let your partner be with that person in this situation or would you have put your foot down like I did?