For sure. I'm still learning, but I was thinking the best approach would be to start describing women I'm interested in in ways that make them sound very similar to her, and also start finding excuses to touch her arms and face during conversation. That would be much healthier than saying directly how I feel, right?

/s

I presume you’re being sarcastic, but just in case you’re not- that obviously doesn’t make you a poor communicator.

Oh, absolutely. That's why I stuck the "funny?" tag on the post

Yeah, I'm debating how to approach it. As a general rule, I try to take people at their word when they say how they feel toward me, even if their actions suggest otherwise. But in this case I now know she's not being forthcoming.

I think if/when she next brings up a me-proxy I can just matter of factly point out the pattern of behavior and express curiosity about why it's happening.

That is an excellent question!

I have stated explicitly that it is going nowhere and she has agreed.

Do we both know that? Well...

Considering I've also explicitly stated jealousy is not a feeling I let govern my decisions, and she's apparently trying to make me jealous and upset it's not working, there may be a disconnect between what's said and what's known.

I think there is an extent to which jealousy is cultivated and rewarded in monogamous relationships. I don't think people necessarily label it as "healthy," but there's definitely a pervasive thought of acceptance.

In my experience, the reasoning is something along the lines of "there is a socially acceptable level of jealousy my partner can display which demonstrates the depth of their feeling for me. If they are too jealous, that is unhealthy and possibly toxic. If they are not jealous enough, that is a sign they don't really care about me."

This is a fair question. As I said elsewhere, I've made pretty clear we're not going to be a thing, I'm poly, and I've got no intentions of changing that.

As far as attraction... the friendship cluster we're both a part of is a primarily online one where there's a lot of open flirting amongst everyone regardless of relationship status or sexuality. It's a pretty well-established dynamic that she's been a part of for years. Based on having seen her flirt openly with other people of all genders (she's straight), I never really ascribed any special significance to her flirting with me. Now I know better and will alter interactions accordingly, as well as talk with her if she's willing to have the conversation.

If I can give an advice, I'd set up a meeting and just state the obvious: I fancy you, I am attracted to you. I'm poly, so if it was a possibility with you, that I know it's not, I could see myself trying to build a romantic relationship with you. I've noticed you bringing up guys who share a lot of characteristics with me, and that you're not happy at how I respond. I love you (as a friend), and I'm happy to see you excited about someone, and that won't change and can't change depending on how I feel about you.

Ah, I see I need to clarify further.

I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with this person. I mean, I can't speak for alternate universe, what-if versions of me, but actual reality me has never known her to be a possible romantic partner, so I've never cultivated a romantic interest in her.

If this does wind up being a conversation between us (and it most likely will, as I doubt she'll suddenly give up), it will include my restating my non-interest, regardless of whether she's open to a poly situation, and indicating my intention to stop engaging in flirting and other behavior which might mislead her.

Right!?

Tbh I'm really good at spotting subtext when the interactions are between people who are not me. But my brain plays this game when I think I'm picking up specifically on someone being interested in me where it's like "Is she into me? No, that's fucking stupid. Nobody would be into you. Get over yourself and come up with a different explanation." So I do. It's FUN^/s

While the flirting likely did lead her to faulty conclusions, I don't think "leaning on' is an accurate statement, for two reasons.

First, as stated elsewhere in this thread, casual flirtation irrespective of relationship status is a part of the group dynamic of our mutual friendship circle. We both can and do flirt with other people in front of each other on a regular basis. I'm not singling her out in any meaningful way.

Second, I've been explicit with her that while flirting is fun, that's all we will be - friends who flirt. There is no potential for more. To me, that's no different than if someone's FWB expected to become a romantic partner, or a romantic partner expected to become a nesting partner, despite being told that wasn't what the other person was interested in. If someone says clearly what they do and don't want or expect out of a relationship, it's not their fault if the other person fails to communicate they want more, or develops expectations contrary to what has been communicated.

she gonna have a real time of it getting that one past my NP wife...

I see what you're saying, and appreciate the attempt at clarity. And I agree that toxicity has nothing to do with monogamy. People can be toxic in a poly relationship. I also agree that even extreme jealousy is not inherently abusive.

I was attempting to encapsulate my understanding of the dominant presentation of jealousy, which is very goldilocks-ish. Like, as a straight guy still in mono relationships, I was led to believe that I needed to demonstrate just enough jealousy about other guys that my partner felt wanted, but probably not enough that I was interfering in her relationships with male friends, and absolutely not enough that I was interfering in relationships with other women.

Based on the amount of times I got "Doesn't it bother you that your girlfriend is out to dinner with another dude?" I don't think I ever hit that goldilocks zone, even when I thought I was mono.

glad I added it then!