Hello again, everyone! I'm making this because I'm in a relaxed mood and also feel like I have others things that have helped me develop as a person due to this way of being. At face value, it's a just a relationship structure but I'm referring to philosophy and stuff.

Expectations and the "should" Yesterday, my partner apologized for us not spending "enough" time together but I basically responded opposite of how I would normally (I don't remember exactly what I said but most likely on the wavelength of 'you already donated here' (and I felt like there's not a set number or a guideline for how much to we "should" be here because we create that ourselves).

Because of the polyamorous principles I've taken in, I've found more gratitude for my relationship and a better understand of "myself". I've had a hard time coping in the past with being alone and not being around my partner for lots of the time. Sometimes I had to make myself feel less attached by doing things to get them off my mind (mentally changing to 'they don't exist' [hyper-indivudalistic] or that I'm 'single' [not in the sense that I'd date anyone but just me needing to be on the side or else it felt hard to function better) or being very clingy and not wanting to leave. Now, I understand every day they choose to love me and donate some of their time, energy, ect to me. And I do likewise. It's laughable thinking about this now because it would be absurd to get donated to and be like, "How DARE you! I want more" to something that's...not yours lol. Polyamory has helped me practiced my current "monoamory" better.

I've also been discovering what "relationships" even mean. I feel like having standards are sort of silly and I think relationship anarchy suits what I'm about. I think relationships (connections to other beings) should be about developing what feels right to both (or more) and being able to still uphold your integrity.

Values and perspectives The four main values I've grown more out of my research and experience would be autonomy, gratitude, change and acceptance. Regarding autonomy, I realized that my needs and wants were somewhat enmeshed with what was going down instead of me having a better self-esteem and advocating for what I'd like directly. So, yeah. You are and your partner(s) are different people and that's alright. I also checked out the poly video that Jubilee did and I agree that one doesn't "own" their partners. I agree that if you come into an agreement and say we'll only do X here, it would be betrayal to do otherwise without informing but the other still doesn't own you. A comment on that video that I screenshot-ed on the 19th was by Benjee that read, "You don't own other people. Hence you can't share other people". It felt odd-ish reading those comments from other people but I nonetheless agree. Moving on to gratitude, I feel like every day is a blank slate with my partner in the best way.

Boundaries My thoughts on boundaries have changed a bit. I now moreover see them as things to maintain/preserve my well-being versus things that make me uncomfortable. And yes, they can blur into each other, but not always. A boundary would be I'd like to be talked to calmly because yelling would help me get into a negative state and will not engage in a shouting match. Although it makes me uncomfortable, I wouldn't impose anything on their behavior. Relating this to polyamory, I don't think having a OVP would be ethical because it has nothing to do with me. At least directly. It's me really wanting to maintain because "different" in that category, so I want something there that would uphold that. Then, I realized something: I'll never know how anyone my partner interacts with feels about them. Or vice versa. Despite what I'm told. And to look at the grand scheme of things, we have 16 hrs (estimate) in our day to experience life (if you're getting 8hrs of sleep). And if you work, 8hrs. And the time you might spend with your love interest(s) is small in the bigger picture. So, I don't really feel the need or want to limit what they can experience. It feels quite inappropriate at the moment.

Cheating I now feel (since I'm not in a mono bubble) that the idea of cheating can exist but wouldn't in my P.O.V. because there'd be communication and everyone honest. That's really what I wanted. After discovering this and where I sit with things, I feel free and don't have as much anxiety about doing the "wrong" things. I don't feel the need to keep anything secret either.

Jealousy I recognize the feeling as valid but I try not to entertain it that much. A recent thing I've added in my mind in relation to this would be, "Do I think so little of our connection that it's going to just be overthrown by something new?" (on this wavelength). But I still feel contradictory thoughts & feelings sometimes regarding the thought of that happening for either for us but I don't think it's the better part of me.

Anxiety Being inadequate is alright enough for me now. Or at least not being able to check all of those boxes. I know my partner and I are free to leave whenever but now I don't have that gnawing fear of "oh, this and this is wrong. I'll just be relaxed". I've probably already stated this but it just feels nice to be and feel free.

If you read all (or the majority of this), thank you! I'm still discovering things and this will probably be my last post regarding this "series" of post so yeah. I just feel like this is a welcoming and supportive community and I look forward to seeing your philosophies and situations more. I'm very interested in on "unplugging" from what was taught and really analyzing a bit because...why not be the me I wanna be instead of the one that was programmed in?

Edit: I was thinking about individuality via sexual freedom and I'm like, "who owns whose sexual freedom?" I think it goes to the person by default unless both (or more) would like that. It feels strange. Like an overreach. Or how I feel about the phrase: "you give up some rights to be governed". I don't think guilt should exist because you shouldn't feel wrong for being happy if that doesn't disturb/bother someone else.