It's been over a month since I've looked into things regarding polyamory and it's given me lots of insight. I've listened to some videos, read some articles and now I feel more content. I also came to realize the insecurities I had with polyamory aren't exclusive to it; what I was anxious over could happen in both relationship structures. The threat of there being someone better. The feeling that feelings could develop for someone else. And then there was this quote from this website basically saying, "Why would I worry about my partner(s) leaving if this is a good and healthy relationship? The only reason would be for incompatibility and I'd want them to be happy". And every connection is different. I know for sure I felt "romantic" feelings for two people near the same time-- one being a newly formed crush and the other my long-term relationship.

While researching into things, I feel a sense of urgency and that I'd have to change myself to fit into this. It felt awful and like I wasn't being helped. I felt anxious and hurt in this period of time. It felt like an ending was coming because of this and I felt heartbroken.

And then, for introspection's sake, I was like, "well, I don't know of the other things that happen in their life" (meaning first-hand accounts & feelings). I only know of how I feel with them. And that they feel good. Now, I feel more secure. For a long bit of time, I've been feeling freer. Like I don't have to restrict anything [of course, not doing anything to disrespect the existing relationship]. I used to have the feeling of, "I'd rather be miserable and mono then happy and going with something new" (which I know is very anti-growth rhetoric). I also felt insecure that they might like them better, consider us equals, ect. I was using my position in their life as a sort of self-esteem regulation method and it broke me when I felt they had the capacity for others. I felt like discarding the whole connection. Their perceived identity at the time was a blow to mine. What I valued and what I gave. Now, I moreover get self-esteem from myself & some from there. I felt hateful towards them and betrayed for a certain bit of time. I later discovered it was because I felt (what was in them) they were saying, "you're not enough. you're not adequate." Things I've internalized. I think I wanted to keep being the monogamous structure because there was some perceived safety there-- control that this would only happen with me. But the insecurities might not stop there. That's just a bandaid solution.

I just feel happy now. My partner is with me because they love me. They choose to give their time, affection, ect to me. And I choose to do the same. I used to have the sex-negative view of, "what's the point of being with you if you want to just give it away?" To which I don't think I took the healthiest approach (because sex, to me, comes in many forms and I don't believe it can make one whole. So, not the opposite either. It is normally considered pleasurable and intimate because you are in/on/with someone's being). Also, affection. I used to feel like affection was an exclusive but now it's just a way to bond with people. Just like me giving affection to my future fur baby doesn't take away from what I'd like to give them.

Despite my new found revelations, I used to disdain polyamory and felt like this was just for the undisciplined hedonists. But, then again, if you're honest, happy and not hurting anyone, it's no one's business tbh. In my past, I've seen non-consensual nonmonogamy happen and that's left a bad taste in my mouth. Nonetheless, I know relationships aren't just about sex... coughs in graysexual. I also had the fear of them possibly wanting to still be with another partner if I wanted to close up (which I now know isn't the healthiest way to go about it. That each connection is different). I feel like people should be free and I've been realizing other spooks in my life too (something that society tells you is real but isn't). It's liberating. I FEEL liberated. Also, screw the [idea of an imposed] relationship escalator. It's just all a spook. I've felt worried about my relationship so many times because I wasn't following this guidebook on how to be with someone. I'd tell myself now, "just try to respect them and do what's best for y'all". I also feel like discovering more about this and sharing my insecurities, discoveries and more helped me get closer to my partner.

Now, we're both flexible to what might come in the future and nonetheless still want to be with each other. I don't worry about my spot in their life if something does form. What matters is that we're happy, still care for each other and are getting needs/wants met. We love each other very much and I look forward to spending my life with them as a life partner.

Going with ideology, I'm moreover resonate relationship anarchy and like the values that polyamory has. Soon enough, I plan to make a post here about interviews or chats with people here if interested. Anyways, thank you for reading!

Edit: (5/23) Thank you for the support y'all! Something I thought to add (commentary and I like talking) would be that it reminded of the intensity of jealousy that Othello could've had. This was really meaningful to work out because I felt like part of me was breaking. In so much that I felt murderous feelings towards my partner, that I'd be better off if they're dead because I'd have security in not feeling inadequate. "Inappropriate feelings"? Yes. But nonetheless valid and should be worked through. I think we should all feel able to express ourselves in our intimate relationships, but not act with intentional harm. After they said, "you are enough" it felt like my insecurity was touched and what I wanted to hear.