Not specifically a glowing recommendation of polyamory, but more of the community in general. (Edit: Just to be clear, polyamory sounds wonderful! And I’m so happy that it works out for you guys and that it is right for you! But I am just unable to achieve that right now even with reading and research. I’m not sure I’ll ever get there.)

If you have seen my posts previously, my bf and I went though a brief foray into poly (really under duress on my end) earlier this year after I gave birth to our son. Although we were previously “open” the understanding was more of non-committal sexual and friendly exploits, with a hard no to additional full on romantic relationships. My bf decided he wanted one anyway and we had a few months of hell for me while he explored the relationship with his “girlfriend” and I battled post partum depression, the feelings of betrayal and adjusting to my new life as a mom.

After individual and couples therapy, he gradually scaled back his activities with this woman and eventually suggested cutting contact when she again reiterated that she wanted a boyfriend and not just a fwb. (This woman had never been in a poly relationship or open one of any kind and was usually monogamous.... another one of my issues with the arrangement.)

Since he told me they broke it off I’ve been struggling with whether he was the type of “poly is my identity” or “poly is a relationship structure” people... and whether he would be able to be happy with just me and some exploration such as parties/strip clubs/swinging/etc... and whether we were incompatible in our relationship needs... and I finally asked him. We talked about it today and he said he is extremely happy with our relationship and the levels of openness/exploration that we have without full on additional relationships. He does not feel he needs to be able to have additional relationships to be true to himself. So I guess my individual scruples are resolved, and we’ll work on our trust, communication and honesty moving forward in just an open relationship.

Anyway, I guess I just want to say thank you to this community. I feel like all of you are very accepting even for those of us who decide we really aren’t up for polyamory. You were very supportive that he was breaking boundaries and helped me to recognize that he was victim blaming and forcing me to be ok with something I hadn’t agreed to. I really respect that you are able to have such a level of self awareness, assurance, respect for your partners, and much better self esteem and communication skills than I probably ever could! I’ve learned a lot about all relationships just by reading the posts and comments here. It was especially helpful for me since a lot of people in the infidelity subs pretty much said it was my fault for being in an open relationship to begin with.

Maybe one day I will be able to take that next step... but for now I’m going to stay at this particular level of “openness”. Last post on this sub for the foreseeable future unless/until I’m ready for that next step!

Thank you all!