Hi polyam fam.

I need a bit of a rant/vent, not sure if I even have a question but I could use some hugs and thoughts if anyone can spare them.

I only have one serious partner (I’m not monogamous, it’s just... pandemic). We are long-distance, which has obvious been much harder for the last year. My partner is married. His spouse has another partner too.

I have never especially cared about things like getting married. I was in a very long, largely miserable monogamous relationship for many years, where I could have got married and chose not to. I now live alone in an apartment I own by myself and I like it that way. I like being independent and keeping my own schedule, and having lived with a partner before, I much prefer not sharing my space.

However: every time my partner and his spouse reach some standard relationship milestone, or I’m reminded of the ones they already have, I become really envious/jealous/generally depressed. I end up in a spiral of thinking I don’t matter, I don’t count, I’m second best, I’m just a side piece, I’m being taken for a fool, I’m being used for sex/company/as a break from his “real” partner, stuff like that.

Today he told me they are finally making steps towards buying a home together (they’ve talked about it for years, but it’s never quite worked out yet and tbh I had assumed it probably wouldn’t). I’m trying to be happy for them, but honestly I’ve been sitting here crying since he mentioned it.

Some of it is about the practical stuff: for example, they currently live in a one-bed flat, so if I want to see him or even have a phone call I am often dependent on his spouse making room for me/being out/not needing quiet to work, etc. If they buy another one-bed, which his spouse would prefer, this won’t change. But deep down I know it’s not that, it’s about feeling like I’m not legitimate. Like his spouse gets all the things that make a relationship real (marriage, a wedding day, sharing a home, meeting the family, even down to being tagged together on social media or having both their names in Christmas cards), and I don’t get any of them.

This has happened before, for example every time his spouse has posted pictures from their wedding on Facebook (and of course there are loads of “happy anniversary!” etc comments), or when he’s mentioned in passing where they went on honeymoon. Things like that.

I always try not to let it show, because I know it isn’t fair. It’s not like it’s one of those nonconsensual affairs where the man is always promising his mistress “I’ll leave her one day, honestly”! I have always known how this works, and I know that nonmonogamy works better for me than monogamy. He is very good about reassuring me if I do get upset/let him know I’m upset. He says there isn’t a hierarchy in terms of feelings and that I’m very important to him.

I don’t know why this upsets me so much or why I end up feeling so rejected whenever this sort of thing comes up.

Can anyone offer any thoughts?