Strap in, it's a long one.

I discovered that I was really truly poly 6 or seven years ago. This is what makes me happy, this is what I need. I wandered around as a unicorn. I met a guy, supposed to be a hook up. And then it...kind of wasn't. And then I took his wife out. And then we were a triad for 5 years.

Understand that my boyfriend and I are both very mentally ill. It was a terrible situation. He's got a form of schizo, I am deeply bipolar. I moved to the area after taking care of my Mom and my infant daughter and had no where else to go. I was doing good. I was pretty independent, I was in a good place. I guess it hadn't caught up with me.

A year or two in I started going a bit to pieces. I started experiencing serious abandonment issues. My meds stopped working. I was in a not good situation with living with my Dad. We moved me into the same building as them. I think that was our first mistake. I became totally codependent, and while I never experienced real jealousy as its normally defined I worried I wasn't good enough. More and more so over time. I dumped all my issues on him all the time, and he placated me. Half heartedly a lot of the time. Which made me worse. And stressed him out. And we spent several years just circling the drain where his desire not to hurt me resulted in placating and him stressing out to the point of being sick and just... it was awful and we had no idea how awful it was.

Anyway, I was having yet another crisis and it clicked and I broke up with him. And it fucking sucks. Because of the girlfriend and my kid basically thinking of him as a Dad and the fact that we still love each other we're still a polycule. We still interact all the time, though I do my best not to talk to him too much because I was a shit and I don't want to keep dumping all my stuff on him.

I still have my girlfriend, but we've never been suuuuper close because she has...like, a life. A support network. Friends. Interests. Hobbies. She's always been busy, and I had a lot of respect for that. She's stepped up in a big way, comes down once a week for movies and cuddles. She's borderline ace so that is very unfortunately... Yeah. And sex was a big part of my boyfriend and I's relationship until the past year, so I'm feeling especially disgusting and unwanted and all of that. Which she can't help with.

Even before the breakup, everyone was pushing me to make friends and find other partners and build a support network and get my own hobbies and interests and if I had maybe we wouldn't be in this god awful situation. I just don't know how. I can't. Fuck.