Background notes: late 40s gay cis male at one end of a V, hinge is partner of over six years in late 20s, metamour is early 30s (they've been together just over a year).

Having identified as life-long poly (prob since age 16), this was the first time that I'd met a partner who wanted to entertain a poly relationship. I think I must have been taken with the thrill of it all because early on I failed to set some of the boundaries I have. One being that I have nesting requirements which for me mean that kitchen table is preferable to parallel. My meta owes me nothing but it would have been preferable for me to have him communicate some rather than a fairly purist parallel stance (brought about because he considers himself monogamous). We have met once though. I fear it might have been one time too many.

To cut a long story short I have been feeling increasingly emotionally distant from my NP because of insecurities arising from not knowing anything about them. It's clear that one of my requirements is some form of knowledge. It doesn't help that all three of us live in different cities, many hours drive from one another (and ironically in an equilateral triangle!). Our hinge has been doing his level best to keep it all together and it hurts to see him struggle with trying to please all parties. I don't feel that should be his job. So I'm beginning to think that walking away from a life we have built together over six years might be the best thing to do.

I was undecided with regards to the flair to add (Advice, Story or Rant) - this falls somewhere amongst all of them. The risk with asking for advice or comments of any kind is that you end up creating a little echo chamber for yourself where you end up hearing what you want to hear because you've encouraged your audience to perceive your story in a particular way.

Mostly I'm cursing myself for my insecurities, the inability to be more flexible and being unable to adjust or change my boundaries. With that comes wondering for the first time: am I poly or do I just like the idea of it? If I was poly, as I understand it, I would be able to focus on the maximum joy for all rather than sink into my own cycle of toxicity. The corollary to this is that I have been able to find flashes...moments where I can look at everything positively despite what seems like the "erosion" of what I have with NP. There was even a brief time I was content with him being kited/cowboyed if it meant he had a happier life with metamour.

Now I'm just desperately confused with what makes us all happy. And it seems to be with me walking away. Anyone care to help me get a grip and find some perspective?