Hey all long time lurker first time poster.

Love all the advice, its tricky being on the poly/non monogamy path as it can sometimes be a lonely one however me and my partner communicate and it benifits us both. Sometimes you need that outside advice so this is why I'm Posting.

So backstory me 38 (m) and husband 43 (m) there's my lover we will call Jay - 27 (m)

So I've been with my husband Simon for 8 years, 5 married. We first opened out relationship up 3 years ago because he was going for surgery and it would mean we wouldn't be having sex for 9 months .

It went from Monogamish to a poly ish set up He's been seeing someone for about a year and a half. He says it isn't romantic but they cook food for eachother, buy eachother gifts when they go away. They don't hang out outside of when they meet at our place when I'm out. This is because he's not out of the closet. I haven't had anyone really stick around for longer than a few months! Cest la vie.

My current lover Jay, I have been seeing for just over 2 months, sexually it's been a slow one as far as us connecting on that level. We both get on, we hang out go on dates, all is cool so far. So with Jay there's some trust issues going on with his past because of abuse in previous relationships. I've been that space for him taking things slow in the bedroom . We have had penitrative sex now and he's less shy.

I feel that there are a few things coming up that are concerning me. And it's mainly around little things he's said that makes me feel that there could be an issue in the future.

I'm getting twinges of concern as although I've made it clear that I have to pre plan dates he will ask me to come over spontaneously on a regular basis. Like he asked me to come round on Friday and on Saturday when he knows I can't spobtaiously just come round.

When it comes to making plans he's always the one to suggest days dates and times. Next week he gave me his full work schedule and he's working 6 days out of 7 and the one day he has off he's at therapy.

I like staying over at his but if he has to get up early for work I feel like I'm being taken out with the milk in the morning which to me isn't ideal. I'm also a freelancer so I told him I wasn't sure of my schedule for next week and I would let him know about my plans. I wasn't being deliberately vauge I just wanted to confirm my diary first before ej got back to him.

Then he started asking If everything was OK with me and him hanging out and what my husband feels about it. Then he said that something feels off.... And this was because I didn't lock in a plan with him.

Just for context He met my husband a few weeks back and we all had lunch. Me and my meta have talked about Jay and he's fine with me seeing him ( although has casually mentioned that Jay is wanting to move this too fast).

The thing is Jay wants us to go exclusive it's only been two and a half months and I'm just not sure how I feel about how strongly he's feeling so soon.

In the past he's said things like = I don't see any other guys as attractive because we are hanging out. This comment was after I casually said a guy I saw was cute.

I have also said to Jay that it would be good for us to hang out and see how it went. If it doesn't work out for either of us we talk about it. I also mentioned that these things tend to have a time limit on them and whatever happens we can be good mates ( which I have had in the past with my ex lovers and ex partners). Jay said i don't want to think about that.

I told him that I hooked up with someone while he was away on holliday and he said he wanted to go exclusive after. I agreed because a part of me prefers a regular partner over casual partners who don't stick around. And I also like him to boot.

The thing that is concerning me is that I feel that he's falling quite quickly. He's currently in therapy for depression, he's had panic attacks and had been emotionally up and down.

I like him and I'm glad I can be a happy thing in his life currently but I'm concerned about the pace and some of the things he's saying.

Now I haven't read the ethical slut in full. At this point I'm unsure how to proceed.

I've had lovers in tbe past who have been cool eith pacing things.

So my questions are :

Am I right to be concerned here?

Have you guys ever had a lover who you were concerned about it moving too fast?

And when I say too fast Im kinda left wondering if Jay is set up for this type of arrangement.

I have a back of my mind fear that he may one day turn around and feel like he wants me to himself?

I'm questioning myself and unsure if I haven't communicated or know how to communicate things further.

TLDR : my lover wants to go exclusive after 2 months of seeing eachother. I feel he may be falling quite quickly.