I know this overall situation is above this sub's pay grade, but I need a place to say all of the things.

My husband and I were HS sweethearts. In 2017 he spent some time in the hospital, and that lit the fire in us to live to the fullest. We had talked about being more "open" for a long time, and after that touch with death it seemed obvious that we should fill our lives with all of the love we could find.

The past 2 years have been messy and emotional and so worth every second of growth we earned in loving ourselves, each other, and so many beautiful people in our lives.

At the end of July he was admitted to the hospital again, but this time I didn't have to go through it alone. His partner was there to trade shifts at the hospital and to help with responsibilities at home so I could get up to the hospital. We spent 5 weeks navigating time off of work, weekends, and restrictive ICU overnight policies together. In the end, as his legally-recognized partner I'm the one that got the burden of signing the paperwork to end his life.

Everything is still very raw. And our anniversary is coming up at the end of the week... so I'm a complete mess of emotions.

I feel guilty to his partner for not still being all-in on the plans we had started building together (combining households and deliberately growing our family together).

I feel dejected about the idea of starting from scratch in poly. Figuring out who I am now. Without the previous structure and security in place.

I feel guilty for de-escalating a relationship because I couldn't handle the pressure to define our relationship right now.

I feel guilty for my other relationship because I'm in bare-minimum maintenance mode while I figure out life.

I'm also grateful for poly helping me understand that I will love and be loved again. But no love will ever be the "same", and that's just scary right now