I was supposed to have a fun last minute hookup/road trip with a guy this weekend. I’d told him first thing about my partnered and open status. We talked for a couple days and then I met him in person to mutually establish interest and attraction. We negotiated clear expectations and boundaries around sexy activities, we got on the same page with consent practices. I was looking for behavior red flags and didn’t spot any. I talked at some length about my own relationship and how my bf is very supportive and happy for me to have other playmates, and this guy said he thought that was really cool. My bf in turn knew about this tentative plan, and was excited for me.

So we were all set to leave tomorrow, and then today he texts me like “ohhh btw I’m married but looking to explore, so this needs to be discreet if that’s cool.” Argh! And then I’m kicking myself, because this is something that I often ask men in this kind of casual situation, for this exact reason!! But honestly sometimes I can forget, because you know, I’d hope someone would disclose important facts like that on their own! Especially considering I had spoken about my own situation. Anyways I tell this guy that nah I’m out, these days I really stick to other ‘out’ non-mono people or single folk. To which he replies “but I thought you were into polygamy” SMH and then, “ugh, can’t you make an exception for one weekend?” His actual words. Seriously dude?? The last thing I said before I blocked him was there’s a major distinction between polyamory and infidelity (and yes also and I told him what polygamy is), and also he needs to disclose his situation WAY EARLIER so as to not waste people’s time! I’m actually even super annoyed with myself for being fairly polite even after all that. And of course this is not even getting into the overall ethics here, which frankly is not something that I take on as my job to engage or educate cheaters about.

My frustration here is really twofold... one, simply being pissed for having my time wasted by someone totally disingenuous, and two, encountering once again this fucked up belief that poly people are down with (or even equivalent to) cheaters.

Sigh. Rant over. My lesson learned here (yet again) is to anticipate and always ask about relationship status off the bat. And hope that even then I’m getting the truth.