I’m all too familiar with polyamory. I’ve had a few poly relationships, but never in any way that felt healthy. Lots of miscommunication, one ex refused to stop seeing someone who both verbally and physically assaulted me, and just… Never what I wanted out of any relationship, whether it be polyamorous or monogamous.

I’ve also had monogamous relationships. And those just don’t click for me. I ended a relationship of a year back in August. It started as monogamous, was that way for about nine months, but we opened things up after a bit because of an extreme sexual incompatibility (he was finding he wasn’t attracted to men, I am a man). Yeah… We didn’t last, and not because of the polyamorous aspect.

I decided to stay single as long as possible after that relationship. Because I needed time to figure myself out again, heal from the relationship I was in, heal from the fact that I spent most of my early 20s either in a relationship, hooking up with as many people as possible, or trying to be in a relationship.

As it stands, I still wasn’t planning on even going on dates or anything. But, I met someone on an app I meshed well with over text. We meshed well in person as well. Then, I met another person while out with some friends. Hung out that night quite a bit, went on two dates since. I figure, I’m meeting people I like. So far, I feel I can trust both these people well enough to continue seeing them. There’s chemistry of both emotional and physical variety. I’ve had conversations with both about my boundaries, what I’m looking for, the fact that I don’t know if I’m looking for a relationship and definitely am not looking for a monogamous relationship. Both are okay with these things, and even on the same page in terms of monogamy. I’ve also been upfront with both about the fact that I am, somehow, actively seeing multiple people.

And I’m realizing that this is giving me a sense of control over myself and my dating experiences that I never thought I’d have. I don’t know where either of these will go, and I don’t really care beyond the present and very near future (as I have more dates planned with both of these people).

It’s interesting. It’s good. It’s weird. I’m more excited than I am anxious; in the past, I spent so much time and energy at the beginning of relationships in deep anxiety spirals and that is simply not happening this time around.