I feel anxious about even posting this but here goes. I have been dating this person for about a month, let's call them Banana. I had been taking a year of celibacy to heal my relationship with sex and intimacy; it was actually 14 months. Well Banana and I "had sex" on new years day.

I have not been able to spend anytime with them after that day and have had barely any communication. Even though I had been reaching out and trying to hang out still. This has been causing me to ruminate on the situation. I've been processing it over and over again in my head about why I'm having so much issue with the situation and can't move on.

I recently realized that it's because Banana never actually asked me in the moment if I wanted to have sex. I didn't say no, but I never said yes, besides the fact it happened so fast I barely even had a moment to think about whether or not I wanted it. That makes me feel unsafe being sexual with them even with explanation on their end.

We had been discussing the idea of having sex and I have said that it's something I am interested in, however, talking about sex and agreeing to sex are 2 completely different things.

I very much have a fawn response in regards to my sexual trauma and I'm starting to feel like that's what it was. I think the fact that I was infatuated with Banana so much, it was clouding my judgement in the aftermath.

I'm feeling so mentally fucked up about this situation. I have put so much work into learning my body and building intimacy free from sex. I feel like all my efforts were taken away from me. I'm feeling like I am not ready for sex anymore and want to start on another year of celibacy. This doesn't change what I learned but I feel like I failed at being intentional about who I share my body with. Logically, I know it's not true but feelings are so hard to reframe sometimes.

IDK if I need advice or support or what I just needed to get it out more. This person is in my friend group and I am not looking forward to the potential of seeing them again. Fortunately, I will not have to as I am helping 2 separate people with moving over the next month. It will give me time away to gather myself and decide what I want to do.

IDK might wanna delete this and just put it in the journal 🤦🏽