Don't necessarily need any advice, but needed to write this down somewhere.

My partners are going on vacation this spring. It's not a spur of the moment thing, they go every year. They invited me back in November and then brought it back up today as they are starting to plan the trip.

I want nothing more than to join them. I haven't been able to spend time with either of them for quite some time because of the holidays, illness, finding babysitters, and just needing quiet downtime with kids on all sides. (All understandable and somewhat unavoidable things) Getting to spend a large length of uninterrupted time with them would be a dream.

I have scheduled dates with each of them in between now and then as well as open invitation for my kids and I to hang out on the weekends. We schedule, what I usually refer to as "dinner with the kids" once every couple weeks or so. So, there are things to look forward to regardless.

We all have kids but I am solo poly and the father of my kids is not reliable. I semi joke all the time that the only vacation I will ever get will be a trip to the hospital because I don't have much support to do anything outside of absolute necessity. (Even then it's met with resistance)

I've already expressed to each of them that it's not possible for me go with them and that I would in a heartbeat if I could in anyway work it out. I'm bummed, they are bummed and I'm just over here feeling sorry for myself.

I'm really upset with my life, my circumstances, and hate that it took me so long to figure out the kind of relationship I felt the most at home with. Now that I've found it, it just feels like the world works against me at every turn.

Now, that being said. I couldn't be happier that I've found people who accept me for me. Who take the time to check in with me when I've been quiet for too long. People who listen to me. People who want me around and not for just the fun sexy stuff but for all of it and that it's genuinely because they care and not because they feel like they should in order to keep me around.

I know that all that I'm feeling is on me and my life is mine to change. I'm working through it. Acknowledging the feelings, giving myself some space and grace, and then letting it pass. I just needed to vent a little to someone that wasn't my partners. They are wonderful, but I feel like they deserve a little reprieve. 😆

Also, its really freaking hard to find poly groups/peeps in my area. Where are they all hiding?! 🧐😂 I live in a large metro area, y'all blending real nice out there. 😆