Using an old throwaway account.

My wife (29 F) and I (30 M) have been together for 10 years, married for 5, and poly for the past 3. We did not open ourselves for poly properly at the beginning. My wife brought up the idea multiple times because she was feeling neglected and I was oblivious and too focused on my job and trying to cope with the stress at the end of the day. At the time I did not know this, but after a long discussion this past year I do now and feel regret.

The past 3 years have been more complex than I ever experienced. She picked up a boyfriend a few months after us opening up and I worked to deal with my emotions regarding that. I wanted to be open minded to it and I wanted her to be happy so I accepted the terms of our new relationship. I shouldn't have at the time but I did and I can only move forward. I decided I would just stay mono (or poly saturated at 1) as I worked through this because a part of me remained indecisive. Nonetheless, I slowly developed a comfort with the relationship style and dealt with with the negative feelings that came with it. But the process was a mixed bag; I felt alone during the first year and a half of their relationship. This was also in the middle of me working a high stress job in a career path I thought I wanted when I went to college. It burned me out to a crisp and I lost all of my passion for this career. I ended up hating what I was good at but I need money to support the household so I had to keep going.

In the middle of that, I met someone online who ended up making a huge impact on my life helping me rekindle passions I once gave up in pursuit for my current career. She (26 F) became a dear friend as a result and we would hang out frequently especially when my wife was spending time with her boyfriend. I had admiration for my friend and valued who she is as a person. I don't have many friends so the ones I garner are quite special to me. But over the years I began to notice this felt different and I was having trouble sorting through my feelings. I was worried I was developing an infatuation based on misaligned feelings because of how she helped me rekindle the passions I lost; not to mention how bright and heartfelt she is as well. I really didn't want to do anything that could potentially jeopardize our friendship so I disregarded my feelings.

My wife knew of her, of course, I would talk about her. Stuff we write about, talk about, etc. My wife was cordial with her whenever she came to the room when I was on call with her but they never really got to know each other any further than that. She didn't seem to mind our friendship at the time but I feel that wasn't really the case even then now that I reflect on it.

But here's where things got complicated. After several years working in a high stress job I hated I finally snapped and did everything in my power to get the fuck away from there. I found a lower paying, but serviceable job on the opposite end of the country, got a relocation payment, and it was time to leave. We didn't own a car and a moving truck would be far too expensive for a cross country trip. So we opted to ship what we could of our personal belongings and sell off the bigger items like furniture. We were starting over. With no car and having to ship things around, my friend offered to drive down to our new place and help us move in and transport some new furniture. She was willing to drive 6 hours out of her way to help us. My wife was not enthused about the idea but accepted it so I took her up on her offer.

This would also be the first time her and us would meet face to face. My friend was quite excited. So we get to the new place and we meet up. Things seemed okay at first, we all got lunch together had a lovely conversation, explored the downtown area, and checked out some local shops. I really enjoyed it. Over time, however, my wife became more and more uncomfortable. My friend was too touchy, she hugged me, leaned on me, and even asked to hold my hand. That part threw me off and had me questioning those feelings I had before again. I reluctantly said yes and I wish I didn't because I'm certain that just made things uncomfortable for my wife. I let go of her hand after less than a minute and tried to focus on us as a group to take pictures. Nonetheless, the shopping we did after seemed fine my wife and my friend were chatting and looking at all sorts of shops, some of the time it was just the two of them chatting and going through a shop while I waited outside. It was as though we kept swinging between tense and happy moments and I didn't really know what to make of that.

We continued about our day and eventually we got settled in and my friend left. My wife and I had a long talk about what happened and told me she felt displaced and disrespected. Apparently my friend also made some comments that did not sit well with her and made her feel like she was trying to intrude in our own relationship. That seems out of character for my friend and I'm not sure why she would disrespect the partner of someone she calls a friend. It seemed more likely to be miscommunication or my friend not being able to read a room and made an inappropriate joke (something very in character for her). My wife continued by saying she believes I have feelings for her and vice versa. This culminated in revelations about our relationship and the neglect I put her through. I learned that the reason she wanted us to open up to poly was because of that neglect and she wanted to seek partners outside of the relationship to supplement that difference. I felt awful and committed myself to righting the wrongful neglect I gave her. She said I was having an emotional affair with my friend. I didn't really understand that part, I thought with us being poly we were free to explore these feelings with others and it's not like I was going behind her back. I think she feels that way because I didn't express I had romantic feelings toward her; but to be honest, I was still sorting through my feelings I never came to a definitive conclusion about them and that's why I never just came out of the blue to say much on it. She was my friend first and foremost and that remains the case even now.

So my wife placed a boundary stating that if I pursue a romantic relationship with my friend, she would pull away from me. I felt I got kind of a crappy deal but given how uncomfortable the meeting made her I couldn't just say she was wrong for how she felt. Her feelings are valid. I had little choice but to accept. My wife is my partner, she knows me through and through, and I'm not gonna let that go just to pursue a potential relationship. Especially when that relationship is with a friend I hold dear. There were more reasons to just remain friends than there were to explore anything beyond that.

So the path seemed simple. Let go of the feelings I started developing for my friend and focus on my wife. But over time a lot of what we talked about started eating at me. The manner in which we opened our relationship, the comments I wasn't around to hear, and the emotional affair angle. 3 years into poly and I finally meet someone I actually would want to explore that relationship with only for it to be immediately denied. My wife is currently on her 2nd boyfriend and frankly I don't like him very much, he's shown a propensity for pushing boundaries. Nonetheless she's perfectly free to explore that relationship.

Over the past few months it's been more of a struggle burying my feelings but I'm still committed to doing so. Nonetheless, my wife and I still end up arguing about it. I can't control the feelings I have only the actions I take and I've been ensuring I keep things platonic with my friend despite my feelings. My friend is now in a relationship with someone local to her area, another reason to not pursue.

My friend wants to visit again this summer and I brought it up to my wife who was not happy with that. She said it's fine but she's not going to be around when she visits; I'm not entirely sure what she's gonna do during that time but that's what she said. I feel like every interaction I have with my friend is put under scrutiny and that my wife would be much happier if I just completely let go of my friendship with her as well. But I can't bring myself to do that and I worry this will only get worse as time goes on.

So what is y'all's opinion on dealing with this? Should I end my friendship? Maybe I'm just not well suited for seeking poly relationships with my issues sorting and describing my feelings. I'm having a hard time seeing other amicable paths. I want to do better for my wife, I don't want to neglect her, and I want her to feel comfortable and content with me. But I also value my friendship and don't want to lose that either. I already committed to not pursuing anything beyond that and I've kept that commitment.