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The pain of deescalation & escalation
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Well, iā€™m all kinds of mixed up. In november i asked to deescalate with my NP (30M) as we werenā€™t on the same page regarding key things in our lives - kids bring the most obvious one (amount others). I explained that I would be moving out of our shared living situation (I own the house) and he could stay renting there, but I would be leaving the country to move in with my satellite partner, someone that iā€™m planning to escalate with - of course they want that too and weā€™re very excited for this new phase of our relationship.

Part of the deescalation plan was to try forming a more platonic partnership bond while we still live together for the 5 months before I go.

Recently his attitude has shifted into a more standard breakup vibe. Heā€™s away a lot at his partners that heā€™s himself escalating with, and he is super defensive when he speaks to me and clearly is holding resentment and anger.

Iā€™m in a hard spot because iā€™m alone without any other partners and the village I live in is very isolated. Iā€™m trying to have compersion toward my ex and his partner - who have been dating 2 months and are in full swing NRE, doing all the things we used to do. However, Iā€™m finding it really hard not to feel sad and lonely, esp with a LDR. The compersion is so difficult to hold now though, I just feel sad when I think about them on holidays together doing things that I would have normally done.

I thought we could be friends, but he doesnā€™t seem to want to be my friend either - shutting down any ā€œniceā€ ideas I have, like why donā€™t we play some card games tonight - no. I didnā€™t deescalate because I donā€™t like him or even fancy him, itā€™s just that we arenā€™t looking at the same horizon for our futures. So itā€™s really mixed up and confusing to live together, while trying a more radical break up style, and see him daily with his new person, when I feel lonely, and I feel his anger (which is also an emotion thatā€™s fair in a breakup, I do get that)

Is this unnecessary torture ? Has anyone had a similar experience ?

Only a few months left to go, but could use some support / advice ā€¦

btw I canā€™t leave the country any sooner due to Visa reasons. I also donā€™t want to ask him to move out because heā€™ll be a fantastic renter and carer for the house. also iā€™m 32(F) and my satellite partner is 39(M) forgot to put that at the top.

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21 hours ago