Dear Fellow Redditors,

This is a VERY LONG post. Only read if you have about six years of free time available.

Yesterday my partner (let’s call her Morrigan) made a post here that she thought I wouldn’t see. She even changed some details, making it sound like I’m a man and she’s a woman, etc. But she can sometimes be a little bit technologically challenged and didn’t realise that she was using the account I actually set up for her. 

She was saying that we had been open for about two years and that I suddenly have put many rules in place. The rules she mentioned was that there may be no sleepovers, she could only see her partner once every two weeks, she had only an alloted amount of hours she could spend with her partner and weekends were off-limits because it’s family time. She also said that most of the interaction she has with her partner is via text or email, and that she feels huge guilt when seeing her partner and huge guilt when sharing anything with me. 

I wanted to put the real details here, because I thought her post was extremely self-serving and an unfair search for validation, that she got from you all because you don’t know the whole story. I was called many things in the comments. Not really polyamorous. Controlling. Abusive (that one got me bad). 

My partner and I have been together for almost four years. When we met, I had just broken up with my ex, I will call her Naomi here. From the start, me and Morrigan had an amazing connection and also an understanding that neither of us are monogamous. We did not have names for it, or information, but we often spoke about monogamy and falling in love with other people. 

About nine months into our relationship, we both got involved with Naomi. We had a one night stand with her and it was absolutely magical. We all decided to take things further and we had about a month of happiness before shit really started to fall apart. We all made huge mistakes. I was jealous and comparing. They felt that they were being restricted, so they started seeing each other secretly. Huge huge fuck up. That is exactly what happens if you don’t do research and you don’t know what you’re doing. 

Morrigan and I decided to save our relationship, and broke up with Naomi. She was understandably heartbroken. 

Naomi and I work together (not too closely, but still) and in the next two years, we slowly built a friendship, communication and found ways to forgive each other for all of the hurt and betrayal we have gone through. We talked almost every day and built something new. I was still in love with her, I still wanted her, but I was always afraid of how much pain there was in the past, afraid of a repeat of that. Morrigan and I were living monogamously for the time being, while we heal our own relationship wounds. 

I did talk to Morrigan about opening our relationship in the two years we were closed, always hoping that I might be able to be with Naomi again. I love her a lot. 

Last year November, Morrigan and I talked about ENM again and I was extremely happy that she agreed that we can open our relationship again. We were reading books, doing research and talking hours and days and weeks about how we would be better, who we are for each other and who we have to be for our potential partners. 

Then Morrigan told me that she has feelings for Naomi and wants to persue them. 

I asked her not to, I asked her a million times. I told her that it’s hard for me to deal with thiShe said that me asking that of her makes her feel restricted and that she should be able to see whoever she wants. I asked her to wait, because I’m not ready, but she confessed her feelings to Naomi and Naomi felt the same about her. She didn’t want to wait, because Naomi is leaving the country in about six months and they have limited time to be together. 

I was extremely distressed. But I agreed, because that’s what she wanted. In this time, Naomi also made it clear that she does not want anything with me, only with Morrigan. Her rejection also broke my heart and made things even more difficult for me. Those are my own things and I don’t blame Morrigan for the rejection. 

I asked her if we could talk about a few agreements just for their first few dates, to make the situation more palatable for me and to help me ease into it. I told her that for just the first month, it would be nice for me if we could stick to one date per week (on the weekend) and I asked her for full parallel polyamory. She agreed.

I also asked her if we could have a curfew for the first month, just so I can have some stability and feel safe. Not a permanent request. She agreed.

Lastly, I asked her that I know they text a lot, they love texting each other. I asked her to keep most of the intense texting to throughout the day (when I’m at work) and at night just not make me feel like she is with me but texting with Naomi constantly. She agreed. 

After their first date, I told her that I am okay with letting go of the once a week agreement. After the second date, when she did not stick to the curfew, I told her that I’m okay with letting go of the curfew agreement. She is completely free now and even saw Naomi for lunch yesterday. 

I do still feel jealousy and I have some FOMO too, not just for my partner but also for Naomi. I often wish that I can be a part of it and I cry about it and feel sad about it a lot. I wish that I didn’t have to deal with this and work through this. But I do, I get up every morning and choose to be here, choose to do the work and choose to love my partner enough to give her my support in this. 

So when I saw that post yesterday, filled with resentment and bitterness, I was HEARTBROKEN. I thought I was doing so well, even in this nightmare of a situation, to adjust to what we all need in this situation. I thought I was doing the right things and making hard decisions even when they are extremely uncomfortable for me, because I WANT THIS LIFE and I want this life with Morrigan specifically, she is my favourite person in the whole world and she is my wife, the love of my life. 

Please tell me… Am I the problem here? Please help me understand, please tell me if I have lost sight of reality, please tell me if my perspective has been skewed by overwhelming emotions.

PS: I am talking to a few people and have been on a few dates. Morrigan is very supportive of me dating and there are no other issues. Even when there is a little bit of jealousy or insecurity, Morrigan manages and regulates her emotions beautifully.