In April I started seeing someone new (Spruce) after a long period of my nesting partner Ash and I not dating anyone else. When things started off Ash was on board. A month or two in things were good but my partners were interested in trying being a triad. I had a lot of reservations about it but decided to disregard the common advice on the topic and give it a shot. We had some great times, a few fun weekend trips, and at least on my side a decent amount of heartache that forced me to confront a lot of insecurities really fast. I grew a lot and even found my way to individual therapy finally so I don't actually regret that leap. While I still enjoy spending time together the three of us, I find I value my time individually with each of my partners more. Spruce also finds more security and value in individual time, with group time being a cherry on top. Ash has expressed a desire in a strongly integrated group dynamic where the focus is primarily on group time with time made for, but less priority on, individual time.

It's leading to a lot of heartache. The ways Ash's feelings about this manifest often mean her feeling like she's not getting the love or attention she wants. Often enough it's for things I know I've done with specific recent examples, which makes me feel like the extra effort I'm putting in doesn't have any impact on improving our relationship or intimacy. That makes it harder for me to feel safe being vulnerable and intimate with her. That's lead to things that have hurt more like her trying to keep Spruce away from me during my recent hospitalization, expressing the desire for me to chase her even when she pushes me away to prove my commitment, and recently trying to decide for me whether Spruce could meet my family not just at holidays where it would be all three of us but in general. After she used my location sharing in a way that I was uncomfortable with I stopped sharing my location universally except for while traveling, and that was another big argument.

I'm at a point where I'm not sure the relationship is salvageable. Even when we spend dedicated time together, like our last two trips out of state, it feels like she can't be present. Things will seem great and then she'll be feeling deeply upset and insecure even when we're having dedicated phone free time together. I'm struggling with feeling like a failure for the way things have gone and like it's all my fault though I know it's not all my fault. I'm working through a lot of this in therapy, but wanted to vent here too. If you made it this far, thanks for listening.