I'm usually very confident and secure in myself but occasionally feel insecure and anxious about my experiences with both play partners and polyamory. Today is case in point. I'm trying to just sit with my feelings, getting my work done but also feel like I'm stewing or spiraling a bit emotionally. I'm not seeking any solutions or advice but maybe just to vent a little and maybe chatting with someone will help me today.

For a bit of background, I've always known I was poly, since I was a teenager, but forced myself into monogamy for decades. My husband and I opened our marriage a couple years ago and with the help of a kink-aware therapist, it's been overall a good experience for us. At that time it made sense to me that I should allow myself to explore being poly. I'm not seeking poly partners but just to be open to it happening. And yet at the same time, I do feel.... craving? It's not quite chasing NRE, but I think more chasing the feeling of being desired.

I do get that feeling in small doses from some of the people I've played with over the past couple years. But they never last more than a few dates. I'm semi-demisexual so I try to seek out like-minded men who also want a connection rather than just ONS. I've run into men who say that's what they want but in the end, they clearly just wanted a quick fuck. I'm trying to learn to spot those so I can avoid them.

But I also have found connection with quite a few great guys, who then let the connection fade after we've had one or two dates. Which makes me wonder if I'm off-putting in some way or if they just decided I wasn't what they were seeking. The latter, I totally understand. The former, I'd love to figure out. I have an easy going personality, frisky and flirty, somewhat kinky and I've been told a lot that I'm fun. I can't so far cum with a partner, either through oral or penetration, and I'm working on that. I feel like I'm very slowly getting closer to accomplishing that, but I'm not there yet. I approach sex playfully and enjoying every moment, so I think I have a good attitude. But I'm wondering if men find it off-putting or annoying that I don't cum so that's why they bail on me.

The insecure feeling with the play partners is un-fun because it makes me think about how much I crave a poly relationship. I do get out there to munches and am in a social circle of poly/kinky people. I meet people and have dates. I know actual relationships take time to nurture and I can't force it. So not finding anyone who wants to have an ongoing FWB/"situationship" with me makes me kind of think I'll never find it.