i started being poly like two years ago due to a friend engaging with it and i read a book up on it and felt like it was the most ethical thing to do. i always felt like my partner wanted to have sex and relationships with others and they had always told me if i ever wanted to do that i could & i also was interested in seeing someone else.

i grew up evangelical christian and prior to deconstructing my religion i realized i have a bit of morality OCD and since i found polyamory to seem very ethical i felt very theoretically drawn to it as a whole.

now i am dating my partner and she has a girlfriend and i was dating someone else but we broke up. i am feeling i am too busy to approach dating another person as i just moved and am taking classes full time and getting used to my life. this has also allowed me to kind of evaluate my feelings around polyamory and relationships and i have come to the realization that i dont think i am engaging with polyamory ethically ??? i feel i cannot/do not have the mental energy or ability even to develop strong and EQUAL feelings for new relationships and i do not make completely unhierarchical decisions about my life when pursuing new people and im not even sure how to? when i start engaging with one person i feel more interested in them than others and so on. it feels so unnatural to have perfectly equal emotion and desire towards all people to me even tho i know it is probably possible and maybe i am just thinking too much in black and whites about it. just when i start seeing someone or imagining being with them i convince myself they are the perfect person etc etc and the more time i spend with them like confirmation biases why i like them best

i also feel like there are some things about being poly that i just don’t even like. that seem to come really naturally and create joy to my partner. such as sharing holiday days with the multiple relationships, wanting us all to be besties, truly stating that we are both equal to her on every level possible etc. both my partners gf and i are just dating my partner and it sometimes just feels like a competition bc both of us don’t even seem that jazzed about polyamory and my partners gf will get rly pressed about us potentially spending too much time together and i get pressed about her being more valued than me and by my partners family. i feel that my partners family views her as the true relationship in the situation and that i am just like an ex? but a special ex? especially because my partner identities as a lesbian now and im a guy. i’m a trans guy but still.

i understand that these are things i should just WORK ON AND FIX MY FEELINGS ABOUT and UNPACK JEALOUSY towards but there are some aspects of all this in which i just feel like. i just don’t feel that passionate about doing or like i just don’t want to do this and want a more simple dynamic 😭 i just feel torn and confused about all of this and i would never ask my partner to stop being poly bc she feels like it is the most natural thing in the world to her & also of course has a partner so it would never be my place to do that. so i would have to end the relationship. idk. any advice? 😭