We (married 20 yrs) kind of fell into a poly triad a while ago and have been working hard on trying to minimise the hierarchy (while accepting that there is an element this with us being married with older kids who are fully aware of the relationship).

Recently I've been encouraging them to explore their individual relationship because there are incredibly strong individual bonds. He's incredibly caring & I have very little jealousy around them - the only jealously that crops up is my inflexible (and demanding) work schedule which leaves them with more availability for each other while I'm the boring one at work.

My worry is that this evolution has triggered my separation anxiety (I'm diagnosed ADHD with the RSD that goes with it). I'm attempting to manage it by asking for clear timescales which are then honoured (eg. I'll be back by 6pm, to mean returning at or before that time). These aren't times dictated by me, just times from them so I'm given clear expectations without ambiguity.

The past couple of times he's visited on the fly (not an issue), the original return time has changed and the lack of consistent & firm timekeeping has sparked an emotional overreaction from me and panic attacks.

I've explained how this makes me feel, and he's taken causing me upset very badly. His reflex reaction is to feel wretched and withdraw which causes me to be more anxious. Because of this, I don't feel like I can confide in him when I'm feeling like the sky is falling because it will push him away.

I don't want any of the relationships to stop, or particularly change (aside from sticking to agreed times). But do want to understand how to control the rising panic when plans change because I feel like the kid left crying in the playground who really isn't fine 5 minutes after.

Caveat - we have proactively sought out couples therapy which specialises in poly to help improve communication. Our other partner saw this as an indicator of impending doom rather than a tool to manage emotions, and the mention of this causing a break up has thrown me for a loop.

Any advice is welcome, but please be gentle!