I’m posting here because none of my friends or family can understand or fathom what I’m dealing with.

I fell in love with this person couple months ago and it was single handedly the most loving and wholesome relationship I’ve ever had. Within couple months, we spent so much quality time and the connection was and is STRONG. Everything just felt perfect. They were in the midst of figuring out what kind of a relationship they wanted (leaning anarchist) when we met. They were already seeing 2 other people, and one of them had a monogamous partner. We wanted to be each other’s primaries or at least I was very much leaning towards building a strong core relationship and was open about it. Couple months ago, they realized they were also in love with the metamour of one of their partners and decided to de-escalate us. It shook me and after tumultuous couple weeks where I was in disarray, I wanted to make it work because the underlying love was still good. We still had and have feelings for each other but I’m the one having to take a step back.

We dont live in the same cities so communication that was insanely good in the beginning after the change waned. Our meetings became sporadic and I took it hard. Insecurity and anxiety set in and I was struggling a lot to understand what the new world meant. They were trying their best to make time but when it wasn’t the same anymore, it just isn’t. 

Fast forward, we decided to take couple months of a break for me to figure out what I want from this relationship. It is very rare for me to fall in love so deeply with someone; I did the math and funnily all my ‘deep-love’ relationships have been 7 years apart and I’m now in my mid 30s. I have my attachment issues from having a traumatic childhood so I really wanted to build a secure relationship with my partner while I was working on myself. 

I’m struggling to find a way to justify this relationship even in the future; knowing my abandonment issues, I need some sort of constancy in my relationships. I’m angry, feeling a deep sense of loss and yet still very much in love because the person has tried their best to be supportive and accepted that it was them who threw the wrench in the wheel. There’s no point in throwing blame and yet I cannot not feel angry or have this deep sense of loss. I do care for them, and am also struggling to redefine their new role in my life. 

I’m supposed to have questions on what I want for “us” whenever we meet and I don’t. I also am trying to come to terms with the “no one person will fill all your emotional/romantic needs” which I preached to anybody who would listen until date. De-escalating someone I really loved and wanted to share a life with to “someone I love” hasn’t been easy; and I am finding my way to make peace with it. 

I’ve finally hit some semblance of sanity these past couple days so I’m in a much better place. I want to let it all flow as it will without having any expectations; however hard or unnatural it might seem. This is where I’ve landed. 

PS: I’m not asking for advice here to be honest. If anyone else is in the same boat, hang in there!