Hi polyamory reddit! I have AUD-HD/PDD-NOS and I have struggled with holding down any serious long-term relationships in my life. I would say the longest time I've been with anyone would be around 2 years, but they were not secure attachments with the person (both were pretty anxiously attached to me... I felt like they always wanted more from me than I could give them and I ended up losing interest in this type of attachment style).

I enjoy my autonomy and my privacy/space in general. But, I also really want to connect with someone and/or multiple people on a romantic/sexual level. But I reeeeally value clear communication, boundaries and hard placement being on something not turning sexual too quickly. I feel like I currently have a disorganized attachment style. In other words, sometimes I can get too clingy and other times I can pull away and go into a more avoidant style (this is when I feel myself getting attached to someone I mean).

I really, really would like to go towards a secure attachment style. I currently struggle with rigid thinking, black and white thinking, catastrophizing and mind-reading thoughts. I have recently discovered psilocybin and I had my 1st microdose trip a few nights ago and it was very peaceful. I am curious about the possible rewiring of the brain that can happen with low-dose mushrooms. I do know that CBT/DBT can really help me as I experience high anxiety simetines. I just don't feel like giving up on a search for love and deep connection with people.

I am also diving in for the 1st time into polyamory lifestyle and it is new to me. I would really like to learn on ways I can improve because I don't want to push anyone away. Simply stated, I just want to be able to feel secure attachment more often than not. It would be so lovely to experience this with a few people who are relatively securely attached as well.