I (33m) have been poly for a long time (over 12 years).

I've struggled with feeling taken for granted in almost all of my relationships. Everything is great during the NRE/Honeymoon phase - we're both putting in equal effort, I feel seen, reassured, and appreciated. But then as that wears off things change (as they do, I know), but it feels like more than that.

I know I'm a good partner. I'm dependable, reliable, and I respect my partners a great deal. I work on my boundaries. I have my own life. I generally have high self-esteem. I go to therapy. They talk about how I'm the kind of person most poly people are looking for. They know I'll be there for them.

As time goes by, however, they start putting less and less effort into the relationship. Asking for more doesn't help. Talking about needs never helps. That usually turns into me feeling like a burden for having any needs at all.

The hardest part is when they start dating others. People who are flaky, who don't respect their boundaries, who don't treat them well. They'll be so frustrated but spend so much of their energy and effort and passion on those relationships before they inevitably crash and burn. Then they'll remember I exist, and things will be good for a while.

Sometimes I'll pull away to focus on myself or to take some space to decide what I want out of a relationship, and all the sudden they want so much more of me. It's like they want me to give them 100% but they only want to give me 25%, and if I decide to give them 90% instead, I'm pulling away and being distant or they think I'm going to break up with them or I'm not meeting THEIR needs. They only want to be active, attentive, supportive partners when I need space.

This happens in EVERY SINGLE ONE of my relationships. That seems to suggest that I'm doing something wrong. Is it the type of people I date? Do I have way to high of expectations? Is this just some shitty attachment issue? I just never feel like they care about me the same way I care about them. I wish I could just settle and be happy not expecting anything from my partners.

Open to advice or even just to hear from someone who has dealt with the same thing. I'm always surprised by the level of insight and thoughtful discussion on here.