I’ve been married for almost 22 years, and we’ve been poly for most of that. Our marriage has been remarkably stable: almost no fighting, always lovey dovey if not the most sexually intimate (often due to health issues). We’ve always told each other that we loved each other and wanted to be together forever.

A few years ago my wife started dating a woman. She eventually moved in with us and she and I started dating too.

Last year, my wife said she wanted to ask our girlfriend to do a commitment ceremony and basically enter a three person marriage.

I was a little hesitant, but over the next few months it started to feel right and so we asked. Our girlfriend said yes! And we were all thrilled, or so we thought.

Our girlfriend had a best friend/FWB that my wife also started seeing, and that caused a lot of contention because my wife sort of… pushed herself in between the two and they both got really competitive over this guy.

I don’t know if that’s where things really started going wrong, but my wife started to become very distant from the both of us. She would spend hours talking to this dude, and was very detached from us.

A month or so ago my wife says that she feels like our marriage has lost its spark. I can’t say she’s wrong… I’ve been in grad school and that’s taken up a lot of my time. But we agreed to work on it.

A few weeks later she tells me she’s no longer in love with me and hasn’t been for at least 10 years, and wants to start sleeping in the spare bedroom, but that she wants to work on things. I’m floored… she says there were signs, but she can’t say what they were. All she ever told me was how much she loved me and how happy I made her. I am kind of a doofus though so maybe I am just oblivious.

We start seeing a poly friendly couples therapist, and a couple sessions ago she says that she really just wants to be alone. She says that she doesn’t want to be with our girlfriend either, and hasn’t wanted to for some time now. Again, she’s made no effort to tell our girlfriend about any of the problems she’s had with her.

I’m just… lost and so is our girlfriend. My wife went from wanting us to all be a committed triad to saying she’s been secretly unhappy for a long time and never said anything to either of us until it became intolerable. It’s frustrating because my wife hates it when people expect her to be a mind reader but that’s what it feels like she’s expected us to be!

All she says is she hates confrontation.

We are still going to try and work on things but it’s likely we are at least going to separate to give her some space. Me and our girlfriend are going to stay together.

I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just need to vent and maybe ask for some insight.