I cant with the situation I just came out of.

I found this person (20-NB) on a dating app. They say their poly though they’re open to ‘mono relationships as well’ which should’ve been the first red flag that I should’ve seen to this.

We’re both single and without partners. I’ve realized I’ve wanted poly relationships for awhile now and is my preferred relationship (Though I do not want to date couples together starting out so I put in my profile just that).

We had an instant connection and we fell for each other instantly. We completed one another’s energies and sentences. Our goals were the same. It felt unbelievable, I felt like I had everything I was looking for in a partner.

But then when I brought up poly needs and what relationship style they wanted- they mentioned how they wanted to be poly only after we met up in person.

Even if one of my partners is long distance I don’t mind as much because we can work out a schedule, digital dates, trips- it doesn’t matter though I PREFER in person. What I’m trying to say is that even when I felt the instant and intense connection with them, it still didn’t change anything I wanted.

And I liked them but they really didn’t provide any reason for me to think that would be any time soon.

First off they were in a VERY shitty family situation and no matter what I advice I offered they completely ignored me. I tried to help them legally, think of ways to financially help, anything- and they would ignore it. They even told me how they wanted to go to an $1000 ticket while minutes before was telling me how they didn’t have enough money to move out.

Second off, They only mentioned this after we found potential partners with other talking stages (And yes we were never official when they asked this or ever- I just say partner cause I’m terrible with replacement names).

When they had mentioned this other person I was delighted. In my eyes, it was like getting another President of a fan club so I was happy for my partner. But they had said “I turned them down though cause I’m only intrested in you right now”, which I was flattered by but I was also like “Yknow I’m encouraging you right?” And they went on a rant about how they only want to focus on me.

So when I told them about my other talking stage, I thought they would be the same.

They were not. In fact they kept asking me so many questions like “Do you just want irl dates?” “Would you pick me over her?” “Do you even feel jealous??” And a bunch more and it confused me but I reassured them the best I could.

But I was also honest, I came to the dating app for irl partners and had left a very toxic LD mono relationship already. If they didn’t have their personality and weren’t who they were, I wouldn’t be intrested at all. I made that intention clear from the start.

In the end it didn’t end up working out with the other person due to personal trauma the next day that night, my partner ended up asking me to wait to be poly and official due to 1) a betrayal of trust cause I didn’t mention that I was talking to other people (Which I admit that is my fault for not communicating that before hand when I flirted back with the other girl. I mentioned to the other girl that I had ‘another talking stage that I was pursuing’ and the girl said we could talk about poly after a date blah blah blah, I only mentioned the girl to my partner the morning after cause my partner was already asleep. I realize now I should’ve just texted them before pursuing anything, so I get the betrayal of trust.)

But the second reason, wait til we live together, made me extremely confused. I hated it. On one hand yeah I wouldn’t mind pacing myself and just focusing on one relationship and learning more before jumping into the poly world especially communication for situations like earlier, but not only do they have zero game plan to get out of their abusive environment but they don’t even have a good mindset for poly.

I told them that we’d need to completely dismantle our mono relationship once we become poly later on if we wait like this and they kept ignoring it saying they really only wanted to prioritize me, which was never the same for me.

Just today I finally realized that we were incompatible with poly, communication, and emotional needs so I told them that I was ending this.

But yeah, Is this ‘Wait til together’ even normal? I dunno…