Just wanted to share a story from a little over a year ago.

My partner, Garry (28) and I had been together for a couple years both of us with previous polyam experience before getting together. We were on a dinner movie date, pretty routine, just a regular hang out kind of day for us. While we were at dinner, Garry checked their phone and had a message from an ex from some years prior that they have spoken to a lot but we're not on bad terms with. The ex, Tamarack (25), wanted to meet up with Garry for drinks that night. Garry knew I didn't want to be out late that night and wanted to go home after the movie, so they asked if I minded if they stayed out with Tamarack after the movie. I said, yeah that's totally fine. It's their time after all.

Garry and I went to see the movie (I can't remember which one), and were on our way out of the theatre. Garry said they were going to go to the bathroom, and that Tamarack was waiting for them outside. So I said good night, and left the theater on my own and walked home. On my way out the door, I saw someone waiting on the sidewalk who looked pretty cool, and I was certain that was Tamarack.

I didn't feel good on the walk home. I couldn't shake The Feeling that Garry was having more fun getting drinks with Tamarack than they were at the movie with me. I also felt like Tamarack just looked more... Self-assured, self-expressive, than I did. I felt very plain compared to Tamarack's intentionally-chosen and seemingly effortless style. It made sense that Garry wanted to spend time with them more than with me.

I got home and talked it out with my roommate (also poly) a bit. I knew I needed to tell Garry how I felt about Tamarack. I eventually did, a couple weeks later, and Garry was very sympathetic, and felt very bad that I was not feeling good about something to do with them. But I made it clear that I did not want them to change their behavior in any way, nor did they do anything wrong. They weren't even dating again at this point, they had just hung out. In fact, from what I heard about Tamarack, they seemed really great, and I agreed with Garry that Tamarack should come to a party I was throwing with my roommate.

Well, fast forward a little more than a year, and Tamarack is solidly at the centre of my social circle. They don't just come to my parties anymore, we have started co-planning and co-hosting events. Tamarack goes out dancing with my other partner, and we see each other at least monthly. We are pretty good friends, and Garry and Tamarack still are not dating. Me working through my jealousy and not letting it control me or my partner opened up a door to the start of a really rich and beautiful relationship, and has been a huge step in building my community.

Eventually, I realized that the real reason I felt bad on that walk home alone from the movie, is that I felt a lack of closure in not getting to talk about the movie with Garry afterwards. So I now know that that is a need I have, and that my date is not over until that has happened! Regardless of what other people are in Garry's life, I have identified a way in which I need to cultivate that connection between Garry and I.

So, feel your feelings, but don't let them overwhelm and control you! Talk then through with a friend who will not judge or try to problem solve. Literally just say what your experiences are, and new pathways will open up to you.