My partner and I of 6 years recently decided to enter into polyamory. This is new for both of us and we are both still learning and communicating as best we can. We both struggle with insecurity (and I have had jealousy struggles for my whole life because of feeling insecure). My partner is aware of these and has always tried to do his best to ease them when they arise. My partner is also very good at organically giving me love and reassurance. Recently they have started being interested in someone and I'm not having the easiest time with it. Not because of being jealous that they are interested in someone else, I'm so happy about that, but I'm struggling because of the personal insecurities I have within myself. I have often had low feelings of self worth and was unfortunately raised that you are only as good as what you have to offer people, and that if someone else can offer your partner something then what good are you?

I have been very communicative about my feelings, maybe even too communicative at times but I'm at a bit of a low point right now in the self esteem department and even lower in the people other than my partner I have to talk to department. Anyway, my partner has been very excited to talk to me about this new person and his feelings and where he hopes it may go. Has asked advice on flirting and such, and most of the time it's been amazing and I've really enjoyed being included and involved in it also! But there have been moments where I am feeling really overwhelmed and self conscious and insecure because of how excited my partner is, and when I have voiced how I'm feeling I'm feeling unheard. My partners language has always been to tell me all of the reason why I shouldn't feel the way I'm feeling, or all the reasons I don't need to when what I'm really looking for is just some affection and reassurance. I just want my partner to look at me and say it's ok that I'm struggling but not to worry, everything is ok it's just a moment. They have the best of intentions when I bring it to them and I know that, but I feel like they are trying to explain away my feeling rather than care for it. I've tried to tell them in previous times what I'm looking for in those moments but obviously not in a clear enough way or I feel like they would have met the need by now.

To make things more difficult though my partner has started associating my struggles and insecurities with the fact that he has an interest in someone else. Has shared with me that they feel like their excitement is hurting me and causing my insecurities. I think we may have made a little headway today but I'm not sure. I tried to explain clearly that it's not the excitement that is hurting me or causing anything, it just happens to be the current trigger, and that when I feel that my feelings are trying to be explained away it only makes the insecurity grow. As I said before I have struggled my whole life with being insecure (and yes I'm currently in therapy and working on that among other things) so it's kind of a mixed bag as to what it is that makes being insecure and needing more reassurance flair up and him being very excited about this possible new relationship just happens to be the current trigger.

I guess what I'm looking for from this post is: how can I help my partner to understand better that it isn't about their interest in anyone else, but that I am struggling with how I feel about myself? How much reassurance is ok to ask for from a partner? I'm really working on trying to find other support outside of my partner because I know it isn't fair to expect them to take on all of it, that's why we are poly after all lol. Is it reasonable to expect a certain type of care? Am I asking too much of my partner? I want them to feel equally loved and supported and to know that their excitement is ok and wonderful and I'm happy for them. I'm just struggling and trying to feel better, without making my partner feel like they are doing something wrong by being excited and enjoying a potential new relationship. 😕