I (52F) had been seeing my primary bf (42M) for 10 months. He met a new woman (27F) and after 3 dates in 6 days he contacted me saying he and I need to de-escalate in order for those two to pursue the kind of relationship and D/s they want. Her boundaries, his decision. His vocabulary has changed to things that were beyond his knowledge, they were her words.

Yes, NRE abounds. He describes her as the girlfriend he's always dreamed of. Since he was a teenager this is the kind of gf he wanted. He said (and this hurt me a lot) that the chemistry or NRE with her far exceeds what we shared.

He wanted to de-escalate with me but not break up. He wants me in his life, he "will always love me" for how i am with him and how I've helped him to gain self confidence and grow. He says he still wants a relationship with me, but isn't clear on what that looks like. Sometimes he says "I'll have to clarify that" which means check with the new gf.

He used to make me feel more confident than I am inherently. Now that's all changed. We both were seeing and having sex with others. There was trust, compersion, mutual respect, sharing very little more than pure scheduling. In the very beginning there was a pang or two of jealousy that we talked through and made disappear with real work and insight and honesty. It was refreshing and wonderful. Our first ENM relationship from the ground up. I was proud of how we were together. Compatible emotionally and sexually.

I took a break to heal over, at least on a scab level from being blindsided. It's been 3-4 weeks. He's apologized profusely for hurting me with how he communicated and how it all went down. He's never wanted to break up entirely, but i consider it daily - just to stem the potential of on-going hurt as now being 2nd or last priority. I say this because of course, to me - I still want the love and closeness and overlap we had a month ago. He wants her. So I have no idea what scraps of his time and love he has to offer me.

I think that his new relationship is not likely to make it a year, or maybe 6 months? But that's my experience and age talking. I have no crystal ball. No one knows for sure what will happen.

Now I have to weigh the pros and cons of forming a new relationship 2.0 with him or walking away and leaving the door open. Part of me thinks it would be good for him to see a solid steady partner while experincing his new gf - as a comparison and contrast. But that's my ego talking because I believe I'm steady and most 27yo aren't as much. The other part of me thinks that if I stay and create version 2.0 that I will be hurt by being picked last, by getting an hour here and there. Slow texts, imagining he's with her and won't pick up to text me. Heartbreak on-going.

But if I walk away now, it's an absolute loss. I miss 100% of everything we had. Rip the bandaid off, scream, cry, hold the wound tight and wait for the pain to end. He would get to go full force into the new relationship without feeling pulled in different directions. Succeed or fail, it would have all the time and focus he has to give.

Of course I secretly hope that he'd reach out if it ended, but he most likely would just find someone new. By that time I will probably have a relationship that's good in a different way.

So as I see it my choices are:

Secondary/FWB

Friends only - just text from afar

Cut contact but leave a door open for future communication

None of which I want! Lol I feel like my happy little planet got hit by an asteroid and now everything is changed. I do recognize that he has some emotional and relational immaturity here. He and his high-school girlfriend had a baby at 18 (who is currently 24F - for those keeping track, just 3 years younger than his new gf) he was with that partner for 26 years so he missed a lot of relationship lessons we learned in our twenties. So he does need to learn some more life lessons. What are your thoughts?