My Wife (29F) and I (27NB) are in my Girlfriend (29F) & Meta’s (30F) bridal party. They get married today. We’ve had several talks about how my partnership with my Girlfriend can be honored at this wedding, but we (all four of us) are unfortunately not out to our families as poly, and some select friends we know are unfortunately also mutual coworkers that we are not comfortable telling.

Not for any shame reasons! While we love these friends, they’re not exactly secret-keepers. And I very anticipate some of them to accidentally (or purposely! I don’t know all of them that well) complicate MY life at work should they “find out” any of us are poly. (We’ve all had people like this in our lives, please keep your opinions on keeping them around to yourself.)

So there’s a lot of peace being made with some things that aren’t quickly changeable. This polycule is fairly new, and we simply didn’t have enough time to intentionally and subtly incorporate me and my girlfriend’s partnership into the wedding festivities, something that was really important to everyone here.

(I ask you to avoid asking questions about lacking time to do something important for us, the answer to that is far too long. We didn’t have time, please just accept that for what it is.)

That being said, I am having a solo slowdance with my girlfriend, and a moment alone with her after the dance. We’re both pretty happy with at least having this planned. I also intend to be with her if she wants to go to the bar, or step outside if she gets warm (she is always running hot, so it’s just really likely it’ll be repetitive.)

I’m having trouble holding a great many things here, but specifically needing to otherwise behave non-partner-y while she is publicly very ecstatic with love, with her wife being able to return it so openly. It’s difficult, choosing to be here anyways. But my Girlfriend and my Meta have been such important parts of my & my Wife’s lives for so long, NOT being here was just unthinkable. I never made anyone feel guilt for my choosing to be here, I made it very clear that I wanted to be.

But I know it’s going to be hard. Because I will watch a love of my life get married, I will see her full of joy and happiness and light, and I can’t kiss her. I can’t hold her, scoop her into my arms and tell her how beautiful, wonderful, astounding I think she looks. How happy I am to love her, to see her so happy, to know in my heart that she’s just as heartbroken she can’t simply reach back.

My Meta & I have not been on great terms lately. It’s fixable, I earnestly believe and understand that’s mutually felt, but because it’s been rocky, some talks re: my Girlfriend stepping away from the wedding to be alone with me, had not gone well. My Girlfriend and I don’t get any more private moments all day, outside of after our dance. (I’m not really comfortable with more than a moment fully alone anyways, weddings are expensive as hell, and I want my Girlfriend to Be There for it.)

I’m sad and I’m tired and I want to just feel joy to watch my Girlfriend and my Meta get married, they’ve been such massive parts of my life for so long, and they make eachother so, so happy. But it all makes me so heartbreakingly sad.

If you have any more ideas on how my Girlfriend and I can reconnect throughout a very busy, very “watchful eyes” day (other than fully stepping away alone together), I’d like to hear them.

If you have any reassurances I can keep in mind while trying to get through the day as joyfully as possible, I’d like to hear those too.

I won’t box my emotions up, I’ll step away with my wife if I need a moment to collect myself. I guess I’d just like more help in doing that, if I have to. Or how to prepare best.

Thank you - Snipes

EDIT: As it’s occurred to me it might not have been clear, my Girlfriend AND my Meta are BOTH interested in doing what we can to make sure I am feeling connected to my Girlfriend on this day. I did not ask for your opinion on whether that’s appropriate or not.