Hi y'all. I read a lot of comments on posts and so many of you are very thoughtful. Long post incoming with only minimal controversy, so read on only if you are interested in the nuances of queer polyamorous relationship maintenance.

Context:

I have been with my partner Juniper (32nb) for just shy of a decade. I used to co-habitate with Juniper for a couple years before we both needed to move for career events. Juniper and I are very VERY different kinds of people, which has only become more apparent over the last ten years as we both figure ourselves out. We disagree on nearly everything that is not "important" (eg. Is travelling fun, how often socks should be replaced). But we met and grew close during incredibly formative periods of our lives, and we mutually transed our genders and came out as queer after about 5 years of dating. That creates a very specific kind of bond that equates to found family for me. I do not think Juniper could ever not be in my life in some form. However we have very little romance or chemistry at this point.

I (29nb) nest with my partner Elm (30nb). We've been together for 1.5 years, living together for 1 year. We have separate beds and bedrooms, and nearly always sleep alone. But we spend most of our waking and non-working time together, running errands, or hanging out at the house. We have excellent communication and chemistry.

I also have a partner, Garry (29nb) who is not a big feature of this post, who I've been with for 3 years.

All of my partners are KTP, and we often hang out with the 4 of us when Juniper visits town. None of them knew each other before they met me, and none of them date each other, but they do socialize with each other without me present.

Advice section:

Juniper is coming to visit for a little over a week. She's arriving tonight.

Juniper visited over the summer for almost 3 weeks, because we had a number of social plans that we wanted Juniper to attend. I am glad she was present for all of those events, but I was so drained and so irritable throughout most of it, especially towards Juniper. I didn't feel good about how I was behaving, or the kind of energy I was bringing to the relationship. I also think I was probably not hinging as well as I could have done.

I have familiar rhythms in my home with Elm, and Juniper's presence threw those off. I am quite direct and deadpan when I am trying to communicate logistics things, because words and comprehension can be challenging to me. But I think this affect came across to Juniper as angry or frustrated, because she's an anxious person who needs reassurance that she is not being a bother. I think that spending nearly a month with us heightened that feeling for her that she was being imposing. And I did genuinely feel imposed upon, but not in any way that I did not predict or want. I knew ahead of time that it was going to be difficult, but worth it to have her present at those big life moments.

None of the three of us are particularly keen on sleeping in the same bed as another, so Juniper often slept on the couch. I felt bad for relegating her to the couch for so long, but I also go to sleep much earlier than she does, so I often went to bed first. The couple of times we did share a bed for the night were ultimately fine, but I also felt a lot of unspoken pressure about intimacy. Neither of us really expressed a strong desire for intimacy except for in a very passive, nebulous sense (we have, in the past, gone through long stretches without intimacy, and both speculated about ourselves being asexual). But I felt guilty at the end of the visit that we had not been intimate even once, since she had said it would be nice to know that we are still close enough for intimacy. But I think I was just too stressed/disrupted/and not feeling connected to her enough for it.

This time, she is again visiting because of important social plans, but for less time. I would ultimately like for this visit to be fun, and feel like my partners all got along well and for me to feel connected to all of my partners. I just feel like I am missing something and not able to facilitate that kind of connection in this type of situation. If you have any experience with long-term partner visits, or any thoughts about types of questions I can ask to make sure everyone is on the same page and having a good time, or suggestions for ways that I can protect my own rhythms without dismissing others, I would really appreciate your kind thoughts.

Please ask clarifying questions, as I did not want to write a novel to describe every single nuance. <3