For some background, my partner (21F) and I (22Genderfluid) have been together for about eight months now but have known each other for five years--the last year and a half of those five years was spent with her convincing me she really did want an actual relationship with me since it takes a while for things to get through my skull. I love her to death and we communicate exceptionally well. We plan to get married and have children.

Polyamory came up early in our relationship--I'd known she enjoyed poly before we were even together and have been open to the idea of it myself. We'd both agreed, however, that the way we wanted to do poly was as a couple and, since we are currently long distance and working through trauma, it wasn't a right now thing. She decided herself that this would be a hierarchical polyamory situation where I would be her primary partner.

Back in March, my partner (who has some memory issues) entered a relationship and moved in with an existing couple--I'll call them A and B--without checking in with me first. I was devastated but decided that her happiness was the most important thing to me. They’ve since broken up for a couple of reasons, many of which included my own trauma and lack of emotional preparedness for pursuing polyamory at this time.

I felt like A and B were consistently forgetting that I was actually in a relationship with my partner--I was their only metamour that was not actively in a relationship with A or B. We were in at least Garden Party Polyamory, with the ideal being Kitchen Table as that’s what A and B’s dream is--they want all their partners to live with them. They’d interrupt our date nights (which were scheduled for Friday nights and both A and B were made aware of them early on as a non-negotiable) and did not communicate important information well to my partner or to me.

Two instances that stand out to me are when B’s now ex partner, who was very possessive over them and hostile towards A and my partner because of this, was going to move in. B was actively afraid of this person and knew they could be a danger to my partner and didn’t communicate that--I only discovered it by accident in casual conversation with B which led to the four of us discussing things as a group to confirm my partner would be safe--and when my partner (who has some trauma-based hypersexuality) was going through an episode around A and B and their other housemates (including A’s other partner) with major behavior changes. A and B, along with A’s other partner, were having meetings about it assuming it was my partner having boundary issues. B mentioned the behaviors offhand to me and I was able to recognize what was happening and help intervene immediately. They’d only known my partner for a few months at that time and she isn’t their primary partner, so it makes sense that that flew a little under the radar, but they had access to her primary partner and friend of five years and didn’t do anything. It made me afraid of whether they’d bother reaching out to me if an emergency--like my partner being hospitalized or something similar--or if I’d be left in the dark and it’d be handled as a nesting polycule situation only.

We’ve returned to the original rules of poly for us--which are the ones my partner said she was most comfortable with--with the understanding that A and B will most likely not be future options for poly at all. This is because my partner wants any potential poly partners to be someone I could also have a relationship with and, while A and B are lovely individuals, I do not trust them as metamours, let alone potential partners. We’re still mono right now while we both process and heal from our own traumas and work on our relationship, but it was important to us that we reestablish what our boundaries would be around polyamory in the future. The rules are:

1. We must both feel comfortable with potential partners as at least people or acquantances (both of us)
2. Date Night is nonnegotiable, especially while we're Long Distance (both of us)
3. Potential partners must be ok with me being involved in sexual interactions (her)
4. Partners won’t be allowed around our future children and our children’s best interests will always come first (me)

Rules around ONS are a little looser and mostly based in safety concerns, with it just being a check in with me if I’m not there or a ‘vibe check’ meeting if I am there on top of normal safe sex requirements and stuff like that.

Given the broader context of our situation, are the rules reasonable? I’m constantly feeling like I’m being too controlling or asking too much, especially after everything that happened with A and B--honestly, feedback on that situation would be helpful as well. I don’t feel like I overreacted to everything that happened, but outside perspectives are always welcome.