I just broke up with my partner, even though I didn’t really want to, and I’m so sad.
We had been together for a year. We are both musicians so going to events together that one or both of us were performing at was a significant activity in our relationship. However it also became a big point of contention. I’m very social and have a strong friend group, and my partner would get very traumatized and triggered by my interactions with other people while we were at events together. Sometimes it was due to actions where I could understand why they got upset (ie- platonic kissing of friends. Not something I see as problematic but I can understand why it could feel upsetting to a partner) but it became more than that to the point where they would get extremely upset if I left their side or basically paid attention to anyone except them.
Over time I kept agreeing to more and more “restrictions” like not touching anyone in front of them, trying to focus my attention on them for the most part, stepping away from the event for as long as they needed to feel better when they got upset. Hoping they would start to feel more secure over time. Eventually I decided to let go of my expectation that we attend events together. It seemed too painful for them, this was a solution they had asked for previously, but it was not a solution I was eager to try because I really wanted to share this part of my life with a partner.
However, a few weeks after that decision I changed my mind, and that’s what led to us breaking up. I thought about it a lot and realized that I can’t accept a relationship where the solution to a problem is just to avoid it. Or put the entire solution on me (they would ask me to promise not to leave their side under any circumstance). Especially when it’s something that’s really important to me- sharing our love of music, enjoying friends and socializing. Especially when the person is fine doing this without me. I knew I would be deeply unhappy in a relationship with another musician who refused to share that part of life with me. Who felt triggered by me interacting with friends at social events.
Most of all, I realized I need to be with partners who can take accountability and are willing to work towards a secure attachment with each other.
So I broke up with them. I’m hoping that by allowing them to have some space and not feel pressured by me that they may figure out how to effectively work on their attachment stuff. I think it’s something they ultimately have to figure out on their own. I could agree to anything they asked but if they haven’t addressed the underlying attachment issues then anything I do would never be good enough. I think we could have a really beautiful thing together , and I was so excited to be with someone else who shared my passion for music. But reality turned out differently. I’m really extremely sad but I think /hope I made the right choice.
I still have 2 other partners (one local and one comet partner) but I’m really feeling the loss of this one. 😮‍💨😭😭😭