29F, solo-poly, I’ve known I identified with polyam since I first heard about it in college at 19.

Let me just say, until about 2 years dating was an absolute NIGHTMARE. I initially was very upfront about being poly, but the endless harsh words/criticism really had me questioning if poly was the right choice for my life.

I would accept a lot of non-reciprocal casual dynamics (especially with men) because I thought that was the best I was going to get. The men who were open to non-monogamy were mostly fboys who wanted a free sex worker; the men who were open to relationships wanted not only monogamy, but the traditional kids/marriage etc.

I had a life-changing experience at 25 that basically made me realize, if a man isn’t going to care about me as a human he’s not getting access to my body. Even in a casual dynamic, I demand respect and equity.

Around 26, I pivoted back to my original stance of being unashamed and poly… this time with an extra side of DGAF about your opinion. I made clear on all the dating apps I was poly, unpartnered but actively looking for long-term connections and relationships. I started only swiping on and targeting people who were poly, who seemed in alignment with me.

Then, a close friend of mine started a polyam group in our city. Friends told friends and our group has quickly expanded 😊 And I definitely don’t live in a “Portland” so it surprised me.

Not only do I now have a huge queer poly friend circle, but I’m dating 2 awesome people now with similar ideologies/life goals. 🥰

So much of this runs so counter to the messaging about it getting significantly harder to date as a woman, getting older. That you’ll become less attractive after 25, and all the “good options” will be gone etc.

I’ve never had more trouble dating than when I was 21, especially being poly. Maybe it’s easier now for people that age, but almost no one I met had any real relationship skills and barely anyone was actually open to poly (beyond casual).

Just wanted to share my story, because I really put myself through the trenches trying to make this structure work. I kind of thought at one point I’d just be single forever, because if I wasn’t offering children, monogamy, and cohabitation to a man I was rendered useless long-term.

But I knew this was the life I wanted, so I accepted the long droughts of nothing, strengthened my friendships and support systems around me to cope with the loneliness and ultimately, I’m incredibly glad I did 💗

If you’re just beginning your polyam journey, there’s often an adjustment period and sometimes it takes a while! I REALLY worked on myself in the meantime too - self improvement physically, mentally, healing trauma, learning about how to be more social/charismatic and attracting great connections in your life.