Hey yall

My girlfriend and I have a bit of a complicated history with polyamory, and I could really use some advice or insights from those who may have been in a similar situation.

I’ve always been open to polyamory, but I’ve never needed it to feel fulfilled. A while back, my girlfriend suggested we try it because it's something we've both been discussing. I was really excited because polyamory has been something I’ve been interested in for a long time. I love people and meeting new people and discovering the intricacies of who they are and how they love. However, my girlfriend is more introverted, a little shy, and deals with social anxiety, so she seemed less enthusiastic. I pointed it out, but she reassured me that she wanted the freedom polyamory could offer. She is VERY big on freedom, but so am I so we are compatible.

Fast forward a bit—she leaves for a month to attend a field school, and during that time, we hit a major bump in our relationship (unrelated to polyamory). I expressed that I didn’t want to continue with ENM (ethical non-monogamy) if our relationship foundation was unstable. However, she still wanted to continue because she was figuring out who she was at the time and whether or not she wanted to stay in the relationship at all. We were transitioning to long-distance due to her traveling often, and it became really rocky—we almost broke up. So, we took a break. She didn’t see anyone during that time, and when we reunited, our relationship actually got stronger.

Afterward, we discussed continuing ENM, and I started going on more dates. But every time I told her about it, I could see how much it bothered her. She would say something like “it’s fine,” but her mood dropped heavily every time. I encouraged her to get herself out there since she had downloaded dating apps but hadn’t followed through. She did, but the guy she went on a date with was way below her standards (a strange 20-something white dude with a pedo stache trying way too hard). I brought up again how it seemed to bother her when I went on dates, and this time she admitted that while she loved the idea of polyamory, practicing it was tearing her apart. We returned to monogamy, and things were stable for a while.

Now, she works as an archaeologist, meaning she’s gone for 10 days at a time and only home for 4 days in between. She basically lives with me, but sometimes she’ll see her family during her time off. That leaves us seeing each other at MOST 8 days a month. Recently, she mentioned that even that feels a bit suffocating because she feels obligated to come back every time and not take an impromptu trip or camp in the mountains. Now, some might call this selfish, but she’s also a very selfless people pleaser to a fault, so I get where she’s coming from.

But this has been incredibly hard for me. Our relationship thrives on physical contact and intimacy, and she’s not big on words of affirmation, which makes the distance even tougher. I told her I would bear it as long as she still wanted this. And I know eventually I’ll adapt, as humans are capable of doing. I’ll adjust to this new environment, and it’ll feel normal. But she still feels guilty over how hard this is for me.

Just yesterday, we talked and realized we’re circling an inevitable breakup. Neither of us really wants it because we love each other deeply, but this is an issue we haven’t found a solution to. She feels guilty for leaving, and I feel guilty for holding her back.

We discussed breaking up and what that would look like, and I told her I still love her and would want her to still come see me. She agreed that she wouldn’t want to stop seeing me. And then, if she’s here, she’s probably going to sleep in the same bed, and if we’re doing that, we’ll probably cuddle. And, well, when you give a mouse a cookie...you know where that leads. So, what’s the point of breaking up?

I told her if we did break up, I’d want to find someone else because I don’t want to be alone most of the time. At that point, we’re just doing polyamory again. So, we’re considering doing a “don’t ask, don’t tell” (DADT) polyamory setup, where I would date other people, but we wouldn’t talk about it. The idea being that she’s not part of my daily life with her being gone so so I wouldn't have to worry about unfair time/communication restrictions with other partners. It would just be me not informing her of my going ons.

Here’s where I’m torn: Is DADT a feasible solution? Has anyone been in a similar situation, and did it work? Or am I just trying to avoid letting go of a relationship that’s slowly dying? I’m also worried that I’m unduly influencing her to accept polyamory because it feels like the options are “be poly or break up,” and that’s not fair to her.

Any insights or experiences would be really appreciated. Thanks!

TL;DR: My girlfriend and I have a complicated history with polyamory, and now with her being gone for long periods of time, we’re considering DADT polyamory to avoid a breakup. I’m worried I might be pushing her into polyamory because the alternative is breaking up. Looking for advice on whether this is a reasonable option or if I’m avoiding the inevitable.