I'm a married man. I have a wife and we both have a few more casual relationships. We're poly in so far as we "allow" each other to pursue whatever relationships, but we have demanding careers etc. and so aren't in a place to pursue more big loves.

I made a post the other day about people pleasing. Some of the responses made me think this is a bigger topic. Specifically for men with a mono background who later enter into poly relationships.

In a lot of mono relationships, it feels like there aren't a lot of big decisions. Apart from children of course. Sure, mono people maybe should have serious conversations about what counts as cheating, as quality time, etc. There's a general cultural script to fall back on.

Becoming poly helped me to realise the extent to which I was sleepwalking in my own life. But even then, until recently I was content for the "rules" of the relationship - in so far as they pertained to other partners - were set by my wife. I just agreed. I was delighted that she "allowed" me so much freedom, and never considered how little responsibility I was taking for my choices.

I'm reevaluating the decisions I've gone along with. Happily, they are broadly sound. But in some cases I've started finding my voice. And it's so hard! The conditioning is so pervasive: "happy wife, happy life" "least said soonest mended". I'm not sure I even know how to express my feelings, apart from by reference to agreements or cultural scripts. Simply saying "I'm not happy with this aspect of our agreements because it makes me feel bad" was incredibly difficult for me. I would typically consider my feelings to only matter in so far as they are appropriate for a situation, whereas her feelings are reasons in themselves for action.

Frankly, she wasn't initially receptive to me, suggesting it was indulgent of me to request a loosening of the agreement, given the freedom I already enjoy. Though she did agree with me after a few minutes of conversation. Even then, I felt compelled to couch my request as a request (not a declaration of feeling) and to "hold back" my more emotional arguments for fear of seeming manipulative.

Has anyone dealt with this?