Hello Everyone. I need some help here. We have been transitioning from the LS (2 years in it, 8 years monogamous before) to poly the last several months. It has not gone well. I'm in individual therapy, and we've been doing couples therapy. She has a boyfriend of 3 months, I have had 2 dates with 2 different women, no sex or anything other than kissing. There is a long backstory, but here are the most recent events.

TL;DR: we've not been doing well. I went on a trip on my own that was supposed to be for just us. She was sick (verified) stayed home, then then had her boyfriend over during the weekend. She hid it. Then got caught. Then lied about the story 3x. Now says she's done because I can't stop looking for problems.

Two weeks ago my wife got sick (true story) and we were in an argument (also true) about a date that I had gone on 3 weekends ago that didn't go well. My wife was very hurt that I didn't explicitly follow every rule to a T (date and I exchanged numbers on the way to the date, not supposed to exchange until after the date; I bought something for my date to bring to her on saturday, and I told her had to pay for it, and she didn't until Monday). My wife was also hurt by some of our sexual flirting in messages. I flirted about kinks, but certain things wasn't overt about saying it was mine/my wife's things. Others I was. I used other ways of shutting it down for the ones that I wasnt overt about. No sex was had, no foreplay, nothing. Just kissing and holding hands. So I clearly made mistakes, admitted to them, and accepted accountability. I wasn't perfect by any means.

So the 18th-22nd we had a trip planned to go somewhere just the two of us. It was fully paid for and non refundable (over 2k in sunk cost), and she says she too sick to go. I know she was sick on Tuesday night and Wednesday night. I told her I was still planning to go, and so she says she is too sick to go, plus she's not happy with me right now. So she goes to work Thursday morning (I asked her to stay home if she really was sick). She leaves work early to go to a doctor's appointment, and says it's for her being sick and tells me she has strep and something else (she's a nurse). She says she has a different doctors appointment the next day (Friday) that was a cancellation appointment for something else. The next day she messaged me in the morning to say that she was going to the appointment. She then called me after supposed appointment. And I found out she had something more going on. I asked her if she had told her boyfriend already. She said no, she was going to tell him after me. She said she was sick and just going to rest all weekend. I messaged her back and forth over the weekend and even asked her to call me on Saturday morning. I asked her if her boyfriend was over and she says no, thanks for the vote of confidence (I suspected he was).

I return from the trip. On Wednesday, I go to take the trash out from the kitchen and the bag rips and trash dumps on the floor. I see a reciept for pizza from Saturday night that is paid for by her boyfriend (his name is on it). I was headed to work and she was wondering what I was doing (we were sleeping in separate bedrooms, she hasn't wanted sex with me for 6 weeks now) when she heard me going into and out of the house cleaning up the trash. She gets mad at me for avoiding her questions and says to me via messages that I can answer her call or she doesn't need to be there when I get home. I tell her Im not in good shape to talk. I leave the receipt on the counter prior to leaving, and then she sees it after I am gone for 10 minutes, and says she can talk whenever I'm ready. Of course now I start checking phone records, and looking at the garage door openings/closing times (smart garage door). I get home and she tries to comfort me. She says he came over without her permission on Saturday night (he lives 2hr45mins away) and on the way asked if she ate dinner. She says no, so he picks up pizza. She says they talked for several hours, got into a big fight, and she made him leave. I don't fully buy the story. But she opens up and says they've been fighting a lot and doesn't know if it's going to be ok.

Wednesday and Thursday night I do more digging And find another pizza box in our trash can from the previous Thursday. It's a pizza she's allergic to and can't eat. I suspected her "cancelation appointment" on Friday was really on Thursday, because she didn't ever leave the house Friday morning per the garage door records. I asked her sister if my wife had shared the results of her Thursday appointment. She said yes (confirming that it was on Thursday), she had. So now I can the phone and text messages. Her boyfriend and her message nonstop and say goodnight every night on the phone. And when shes off work and I'm not home, they talk on the phone several times a day. Texts cand calls Thursday, and right up to Friday when the garage door opens, stays open for 2 hours (he doesn't have an opener), and then nothing. No calls. No texts. Nothing until Sunday morning. Garage door opens and closes 2x on Saturday. One of which corresponds to the time he would have gone to pick up pizza.

Friday morning I confront her. I say I know she's lied about at least 3 different things. She gets mad and says she can't handle this, and wants a divorce (not the first time, it's happened a lot in the last 2 months). She then finally admits she lied about a bunch of things that weekend, to include the doctors appoinment being on Thursday because she didn't want me to think she wasn't sick. She still insists her boyfriend came over on Saturday without her giving the ok, and he picked up pizza for them on the way, but he did stay the night (previously said she made him leave Saturday night). I ask her if she's sure. I just want open and honest communication. Please just tell the truth. This is your amnesty period. She swears that nothing else happens. I press her a bit on Friday but she still says it was just Saturday, no sex. We agree to have a fresh start. Fully put our effort into us and work through our troubles. I try to put the fact that she says Friday she was by herself behind me.

The Friday through Monday go fairly well. She asked if I'd be ok with her seeing her boyfriend Saturday night. We talk about what I need from her, and she goes. We're communicating better than we have in several years. She asks on Monday if I'd be ok with her seeing him during the day on Tuesday (she is off, I'm working). I say I can work with it, but it's starting to bother me that while she has moved back into our bedroom, she hasn't opened up to sex yet with me. And she's still doing it with him. She says she's not ready and needs more time to rebuild us and the resentment she's built up with me. We have a discussion and she admits that due to the resentment from our time in the LS, she had decided that she was going to be selfish and do what she wanted with her boyfriend. And she was up until the fresh start. This causes me to feel in my gut that I know he was here (no proof, just the garage door records and the texts/calls ending/starting). But I just know it.

Yesterday I try to push through. I almost bring it up in the morning, but refrain so she doesn't feel like I'm ruining her time with her boyfriend (something I've done in the beginning with them). I talk to her about how I want to have a nice night with her after I get off work. But as the day goes on, everything just eats at me. And so when I get home I give her a kiss and hug hello. Then I go take a shower. And I just can't take it. She recognizes something is wrong. She says what did I do now. I told her she already knows. She says she doesn't. I then say what about Friday when I was gone. She plays dumb. So then I boldly say I know her boyfriend was here. I know it. I figured it out for sure. Her demeanor and attitude change and she's like "fine, you want the truth? Everything last weekend was a lie. Ryan was here Friday through Sunday. And we did get into a huge fight on Sunday". I asked her why she didn't come clean at the amnesty period. She says she doesn't know. I tell her I feel she cheated. She says "it's not cheating if you know." To which I say, I didn't know. You didn't ask me. You deliberately hid it. And lied. 3x.

She now is saying she's done. She is saying she doesn't trust me anymore because of my digging, and that she doesn't want to be married to someone who acts like her dad and checks up on her. But SHE is the one who gave me reason to dig. Her actions. And all I want is to repair everything. And she just wants to blame everything on me. She said we had a fresh start and I just did what I always do (look for problems), and so she's done. What do I do? I literally love her more than anything.