I see a lot of posts talking about good relationship hygiene and generally recommending anything from never talking about any issues or anything that's going on in one relationship in another, to maybe bare bones mentioning something is up but never sharing details. I'm wondering if this is just very general advice, and if y'all feel this changes some depending on duration of relationship, or level of kitchen table or enmeshment between partners.

Personally, I've always kept a sort of balance between "I'm not gunna talk shit about my partners, because these are people I love and even if we're struggling with XYZ in this moment, I don't need that permanently coloring my friends/partners picture of them especially if they don't know them as an individual" and "If I'm dealing with something in my life, I want to be able to go to those closest to me for advice and comfort, and trust them to understand that this is just my experience and not the whole story, and not treat the other folks involved differently unless something truly aggregeous happened".

The way that balance shows up in my life is most of my issues are dealt with privately between myself and the partner involved in a more immediate way, and I don't go complaining about it to others after, cause we had a problem, and we handled it, and that's that. But there are times where I've been struggling with something more long term, and I did go to folks close to me for advice, or to process, or seek support or comfort during hard times. And honestly, I don't differentiate in those cases between going to another partner, or one of my close friends or community mates for that. Maybe that's because I live in a small intentional community, so if I'm talking to one of my close friends about my partner, they likely live with my partners too. So there's isn't that big ole line in the sand of distance between partner and friend vs partner and other partner, when I'm choosing who to confide in. Also my relationships have lasted a pretty long time, my partners are all very close to each other, they genuinely care for each other and have built deep friendships that don't involve me. I guess to me, venting a little to partner Cypress about how gods I love partner Briar but we need to have a talk about the muddy footprints in the hall because it's been every dang day this week, and I want to get a little of the frustration out before they come home so I can talk more calmly to them then, isn't different than me venting to community mate Rowan about it, or calling up my bestie Birch who's over here a week out of the month and telling them.

When I think about it, I absolutely wouldn't feel comfortable if I started dating someone new, talking to them about relationship issues. I feel like that may well have the effect of poisoning the well there, or creating a weird feeling of power imbalance, or just generally not be how I wanted to spend my time in the first few years of a relationship.

Also I think this applies not just to venting or advice seeking or talking about issues. I see with the good stuff too, people talking about having a lot of space between relationships and not knowing what other partners are up to. And same with that, while I get it absolutely in new dynamics or dynamics with a lot less enmeshment or daily life interaction, I feel like that line doesn't quite apply the same when you have relationships that are a lot more a big soup, rather then a bunch of different appetizers you're sampling separately. Like, if I get home from a fun date, I want to spill how excited I was to go to the amusement park and how much fun I had with my partner, and why wouldn't I share that with my other partner, who was there waving us goodbye that morning and reminding us to take sunscreen. What kind of hygiene would putting us a barrier there really create and what purpose would it serve?

Of course, I know a lot of folks have no desire for KTP, and a lot of folks do more parallel, and that kind of separation is totally valid when the whole point is having very separate relationships that don't cross paths at all. I'm sure most folks don't live in an intentional community where you got a whole bunch of other adults working together to live cooperatively and everyone's aware of some base level details about each other's lives all the time cause you're all there living together.

So what are y'all's thoughts on when that relationship hygiene line needs to be a super strict nothing crosses this barrier, and when it's kinda a vague suggestion that gets more wibbly wobbly with the circumstances? I know my lines are very different between new dates, or newer relationships, and new friends, vs long established relationships and my community mates and close friends of many years. I'm just really curious about how this particular idea flexes and bends for others, and if it changes depending on the shapes and enmeshment of your dynamics.