I've (29f) been in some sort of ENM relationship for a little over 2 years now- married to my wife (30f) for over a decade, opened our marriage and started a FWB relationship with my best friend Aug '22, and transitioned to polyamory in Jan '23 when he and I fell in love. It's been wonderful, my wife is wonderfully supportive and loves the fuck out of my boyfriend (30m), and vice versa. Primarily it's been all positive, and even the biggest negative to come out of our relationship is technically a good thing- my boyfriend and his (now ex) wife ended up divorcing about 9 months ago after they both realized neither of them were very good for each other, and were better off as friends. Since then it's been smooth sailing. My boyfriend bought a house just 5 minutes from mine, I spend a few nights over there a month and all the time that my wife is at work (and got my own drawer in the dresser which killed me), we have him over regularly to watch movies, he's been able to meet my family now and they adore him. He was my best friend for about 7 years before we starting dating and the life that we have together now is something that I never ever expected, and I'm beyond grateful for the way my life has turned out so far.

The low comes in with the birth of my first nephew a little over a month ago. My wife and I have been staunchly child-free since day 1. So child-free that when my boyfriend and I started our relationship, one of the first things I did was get myself sterilized. I do not now or ever want to be pregnant, and we never ever wanted kids in any form- bio or not. My boyfriend, however, has always wanted to be a dad. It's his #1 goal in life, he wants kids more than anyone I've ever met. When we started dating, he was married to a woman who felt the same. I asked her once what her biggest fear was and it was "not being able to conceive." So that was great, they would eventually have children, my wife and I would not, and it would all work out.

Now, however. He's divorced. And what's more, this damned nephew of mine has given me serious baby fever, which I never thought possible for me. I love that kid so much. And lately I find myself dreaming and daydreaming of having my boyfriend's child... I imagine the look on his face holding our baby for the first time, and playing with them in the backyard, and cuddling them on the couch...

Pregnancy is impossible for me (not just due to sterilization but also a terrible fear of it), and likely so is surrogacy due to the price, so I very much doubt we could ever have a kid no matter how much we wanted it. But the other big issue is the nature of our relationship. My wife does not want kids, not now, not ever. I may have seemingly broken the child-free spell by developing a somewhat maternal attachment to my nephew and falling for a man whom I think would be the perfect father, but there is no reason for my wife to feel the same. And hell, I have baby fever now, but what if that went away? My boyfriend once, while very drunk, told me that it's my child he wants, not just any child, and even if it was my eggs in a surrogate and I had nothing to do with the kid once born, he'd be happy. But I don't believe that for a second, I can very much see him growing bitter with me for not wanting to raise our child together. Sober him agreed, for the record. What's more, with our dynamic, I have no idea how raising a child could ever work. I only spend a few nights there a month. My wife is monogamous and very supportive, but I don't think me spending several days at a time would fly- our time together is naturally, very important to her. I also don't think she would ever be comfortable having our child in our home long-term, ie if we did a 50/50 situation. And if we did do a 50/50 situation, that feels like a very confusing setup for a child. Yes, mom and dad are together and love each other very much, but you live with dad half the time, and mom half the time, and only sometimes see them together? Doesn't feel right...

These are all just musings. I really don't see a solution here, just a "suck it up, buttercup" situation. I feel that at this point in time, I have two options: leave my wife to start a family with my boyfriend, or deal with the idea that he and I will never have children. It hurts my heart to accept that second option, but not nearly as much as leaving my wife. She's my fucking rock and I love her so much, I'm not throwing away 11 years for a 2 year relationship and maybe a kid if all goes well. But damn. This is difficult sometimes.