Hi poly people! I'm seeking for advice, and maybe ranting a bit. Sorry for the long post and the bad english.

So, my partner and I are together since 5 years. We have always been open-minded and we always meet other people but just together.

Lately he is pushing a lot to open our relationship, even subtly implying that he would end our relationship if that did not happen. At the point that, even if I didn't feel like it (I'm not in a good place atm for other reasons), I end up saying yes to that.

Right after that discussion he instantly started looking for new people to meet, while I was just miserably trying to beat depression by hitting the gym every free moment I had.

At a certain point of course he started dating. He kept it slow, knowing I was not chill with it and tried to communicate thoroughly to make me feel as comfortable as possible. And he always made sure to make me feel loved and everything..

But as imagined I did not react well to him dating. I tried my best to accept that but sometimes I just went crazy.

I communicated it to him so he suggested, between other things, to stop dating until I would find a person to date too. I felt a bit better with that so after thinking about it I asked him to follow this idea and pause his datings.

May I be damned for saying that! He went full rage on it saying that it was unfair and unrespectful. So I was like, whatevs, keep going, this would have helped me but if you don't want to, I'll make peace with my brain another way.

He decided to do it anyway and made me repeatedly feel guilty and rude and stupid for imposing him that rule.

I want this thing to work and I want our relationship to be healthy and happy, so I'm trying with all my heart. And I know he's trying too.

But you know sometimes emotions are hard to control, above all when in a delicate moment like I am right now.

Now even if I started chatting with some people I didn't date yet.

Today we had another discussion about this and I can't do it anymore, I'm just so destroyed.

Do you guys have any suggestions on how to face this situation? I know that maybe the idea of pausing his dating was shitty but we are totally new in this world and we don't know what the best approach could be.

I know that maybe seeing a psychologist could be beneficial but right now I don't have the money to do that.

Thanks in advance for any suggestion! I know I took some bad decisions but please be gentle, I'm in a delicate moment.

TLDR: trying to go poly to save my relationship, have been doing a mess so far. Please help me.