So this year has been a pretty exciting year for me. I went in with the intention of just having fun and sleeping around. I was finally in a good place mentally and emotionally after a very traumatic breakup and separate mental breakdown and it felt important to have this experience. Part of my goals for this year was sleeping with more people so when I had the opportunity to go to my first private orgy, I did.

It was there that I met my now ex-connection. We slept together at the orgy but seemed to have a bit more chemistry so I asked for her number to connect afterwards. I thought it would just be a FWB but, after spending time together, we started to really like eachother and eventually fell in love. I wasn't expecting this as my plan was just to be a slut and have fun. The other "issue" was that she is solo-poly and, at the time, I identified as monogamous. We went in with the expectation that this would be a temporary thing and we'd just enjoy each other's company for the time being.

Flash forward a month and half ago, the issues of the dynamic became too much and we ended it. Initially, I was a bit relieved. It hurt me to feel like she couldn't meet my needs and I was really struggling with the time apart and the expectations of the relationship not aligning. However, after we broke up I started really getting into polyamory and, actually, really enjoying it.

I will admit, I'm still very new but the change in approach has dramatically improved my dating experiences. I struggled going in dates with people when I was intending to be monogamous. It always felt like a chore trying to find "The One". Now, I just enjoy getting to know people. I have this area open up where I can allow the relationship to grow into whatever it decides to be. To me, there feels like there is more emotional space that can exist between casual/friends and partners/marriage. It's been really fun and exciting! It's also allowed me to branch out outside my type and get to connect with people the old me would never do.

I've gone on 3 dates with a NB person who's also poly and has a NP. I'm pretty keen on them. We seem to be getting along well and I'm excited to see them again. This experience is all really new to me as I really used to struggle to connect with anyone. I found love and connection to be rare, which is part of the reason I always dismissed polyamory as something I could do. But now with this experience and the experience of my ex-connection I'm seeing love may be more abundant for me than I allowed.

All this to say, I'm now seriously getting into polyamory in a practical way. I'm going to queer poly socials in my city and attending kink events where I'm connecting with lots of poly people. I've been looking online for other folks' experiences with polyamory and trying to understand it from all angles. I feel like I'm in self-discovery journey and a part of my heart is opening up. It's been a lovely experience so far.

So, now I'm questioning the breakup with my ex. Tbh, I do think it was for the best at the time. Ending that relationship was the catalyst to get me to actually get out of my comfort zone and have these experiences. I was really bad at going on dates when I was with her even though she encouraged me to. But now I'm doing it and I can see a relationship between us working long term where in the past I felt like we were on borrowed time.

I'm also trying to be honest and realistic though. I know this change is still very new and I don't want to be doing it just to get back with her. I'm also still not sure where I am on the poly-mono spectrum and I can't (yet) say with confidence "I'm polyamorous". So, I don't think, despite really missing her, getting back with her is a good idea right now. I guess I just want advice on the situation as a whole and what I should focus on, as well as, how to know when or if I should try to get back together with her.

Thanks!