(Edited) Husband broke our condom agreement last week. It was with someone he had just met and I didn’t even know he was on a date with. Having sex with people we’ve just met and having surprise dates without informing the other partner is well within our agreements, but I say that to highlight the fact that having unprotected sex with a brand new person you just met is not helping me feel a lot of trust for his decision-making skills.

He claims that reasons for not wearing a condom is because… 1) He has had so little luck lately. 2) He was losing his hard-on out of nervousness. 3) They had had a conversation about STIs. 4) He and I have been having less sex lately, so he’s feeling extra thirsty for connection.

He wants to adjust our agreements now, but I’m still reeling from my shock and over what happened. My trust feels violated, and I certainly don’t feel generous about changing the rules now that he’s broken them. Have you ever changed your agreements with a partner after the partner had violated them? How did you feel forgiving enough to do so? I don’t personally feel comfortable about having sex with a new person without a barrier, so despite the current situation, I’m not sure I would want to change that agreement anyway.

Furthermore, we’ve also had conversations in the past about age limits. On his dating profile, I asked him to increase the age in his search and he did. However, this recent person was many years younger than the age we agreed upon. I am having a hard time separating my feelings about the other person being exactly half his age. (I guess I should add that they’re completely legal, but not within the age limit agreements we had set).

Husband was upfront about telling me her age. He was not upfront about telling me that he didn’t use a condom. When I asked if they had talked about STIs, he said, yes. Later in the day, I asked if they used a condom, and he admitted that they did not. I’m furious that he didn’t tell me up front and that I had to ask about it. He claims that I asked him before he had a chance to tell me.