I'm having a hard time accepting and being okay with my partner being intimate with others... even though I am doing the same, and I want him to do the same.. to broaden his experiences etc etc. But even still, when he tells me he is going to hang out with them, I become .. weird? All I can think about is them kissing, and hugging, and laughing, and being joyous... which logically I want for him. I want him to experience different facets of joy and human experiences.

But still, I cannot escape my mind. Images of them pop into my head and i feel anxiety and resentment. Why?

Is it my conditioning that I am unlearning, is it an innate thing about myself, am I not poly? I am so confused.

It has gotten better as the days go on, but I still live in the fear of uncertainty. And he is not the 'jealous type' so i feel like I am suffocating him with my emotions.

I fear that I will block myself off to him to protect my feelings. I feel that I will be nasty to this person he is seeing because my emotions will override my logic and guide my actions (leading to pettiness and trash behaviour)

I am fearful that I will destroy everything which may be giving myself too much credit - because who am I to have the power to destroy everything?

Even so - the dread continues. I am both so afraid and ennui...