So it's been about 2 weeks now, and I've been going thru the motions bad...
A little backstory first. Me and S met when I was still in my soon to fail marriage. She was married and poly and I was in a open relationahip. We hit it off immediately, like fireworks and poetry lol. To keep it short we stopped after seeing each other twice so I could try and save my marriage. (Ya that's a whole other story ugh! ) Fast forward about a year later and while I'm going thru the divorce we reconnected. And omg we hit it off like nothing I'd ever experienced before with someone, both physically and mentally we seemed like a perfect match. Although we lived 2 hrs away from each other, we still were able to get together every Thurs to Friday because I drove truck and we made an adventure of it, and we also got every 2nd weekend when I didn't have my kids to go out on trips together. Coming out of a divorce it felt like heaven. She really did everything she could to give me as much attention as she could, but with her having her husband as well there was only so much she could give I really did want to be able to see other people as well considering the dynamic.

Well I fucked that up from the start by trying to just go about it like I didn't need to ask first. Ok first mistake, but all my vanilla friends didn't think that should be an issue since she's married right? Wrong. Mind you I didn't actually go and cheat or anything like that, it was more chatting and looking to hookup because I didn't think anything of it at the time considering we were in a open relationship. Well we talked about it and kept going with are great realtionship... but put the idea of me seeing others on the backburner ,but I still wanted to be able to see people aside from her, am I wrong? No I didn't think so, but she kept telling me she needed time, but I kept trying to push the issue which caused a strain on are otherwise great realtionship.

At this point I'm happy with seeing her but really felt it was unfair for me to sit alone on weekends or days when we weren't able to see each other all the while she was with her husband. Even though she was happy with not seeing anybody else, it didn't really sit right with me that I couldnt.

Well eventually we got to a point where we were trying and I was messaging and trying to go out on dates but it kept rubbing her the wrong way so we would stop. And start and then start again. About a year ago a girl I was talking with made an off hand remark saying how I would forget about my girlfriend when I was with her and when I finally showed S the texts after hesitating, she got super upset that I was trying to hide it and we broke up because I didn't immediately defend her and drop that (hoe) She got super upset which made her husband demand she stop seeing me.... After about 2 weeks we got back together again after she had a talk with her husband because honestly he was upset and told her no more because of how upset she was but then relented after seeing how upset she was with the breakup. I told her that I would give her my undivided attention for 6 months but after that I wanted to start dating within our poly relationship I was really wanting to keep her in my life and was willing to find someone else in my small town that was also poly so that somehow some way we could always have each other. After those 6 months it continued to be a struggle with me wanting to see someone, although she tried there was constant friction because of it. She wanted me to communicate with her before I attempted to reach out to someone which I had tried at times but damn, most of the time it would be a few messages back and forth and then nothing, but anytime I brought it up her either that I wanted to message someone or that I did allready, her mood would change and we would argue. So why even bring it up before hand everytime all for not! Ugh!! I became resentful because of it all, resentful that I had to be alone when I wasn't with her, and resentful that I always seemed to be the one at fault.

We were just to are 3rd anniversary, a couple weeks ago and she saw that I had become friends on fb with someone I had been talking to for a bit and gave me an ultimatum, either i dont add girls im "flirting" with or dating or she was going to have to unfriend me on there... so I lost it.... told her she could unfriend me on everything and that we were done. I was mad, and resentful that I spent the past 3 years monogamous in a poly relationship and felt at this point she was Purposely preventing me from seeing anyone else. Although there's other small details and little things that chipped away at the realtionship over those years, to keep this from going full novel mode I'll have to leave it there.

I think at that point The Strain on her marriage from our relationship was pushing her to not want to fight for it anymore either. I didn't really want to break up but I needed her to finally see where I was feeling neglected and treated unfairly. Even if I did do things the wrong way in her eyes in my approach, or didn't communicate the way she needed me to do it, I really did try to make it work. The hardest thing and the reason for the post is that I got ghosted and blocked. 3 years of talking every single day, 3 years of sharing my deepest feelings to her and considering her my best friend those 3 years. Blocked. Nothing. A few days ago I reached out to apologize for my anger and for being so stubborn. I told her I didn't really want to break up but I was hoping that she would understand where I was coming from and how I was pulling away because of it. How this didn't feel right, to just end on a bad note without any closure I told her how much I loved her, and how i always will. and thanked her for all the wonderful times that we had and that I wished that we could have at least remained friends but. I guess that's not in the cards. Nothing. Ghosted. Damn. I'm gonna leave it there, I have to have respect for her boundaries and her reasons for not wanting to talk anymore but it still hurts nonetheless. Thanks for listening.