So long background short we were poly and swingers. We dated together and separate and we played together and separate.

One night roughly a month and a half ago we met a girl, let's call her J, and her husband K at a swingers club. Kinda hung out a little bit, played some pool. Things went decent for the most part.

At one point when I go to the bathroom L (my wife) give J and K my number. We ended up going home early for reasons unrelated but J and K both ended up reaching out to me. Turns out they're poly too.

J and I start a relationship. Double and triple verifying all parties including K and L are happy and comfortable with this before officially starting everything. We meet up with both of them again at the club a week later and j and I had just made it official the night before. Both K and L claim to be happy that we're happy. But that wasn't entirely true.

It's been a month and on Js part things have been great but not so much on Ls part. We are fighting constantly. Mostly about how she's feeling and me trying to help her understand and work through it..

Well this past weekend everything changed. She doesn't want to be poly anymore but still wanted to be swingers. At first it was just she doesn't want to explore poly but I could continue. Then it became she wasn't even sure she was actually ok with J and I staying together. So I'm lost on what to do, in pain but still trying to help her figure it all out. In the past day it has become she doesn't want to be poly, essentially said (paraphrasing here) that if I were to stay with J she would be miserable in our marriage. And that she also doesn't want to be swingers anymore.

I'm the past 36 hours my entire relationship dynamic has changed, I had to break up with someone I fell in love with rather quickly. And somehow we're still fighting...I feel like there's a hole in my chest, I have been off and on fighting back tears. And I just don't know what to do. I feel like my opinion, my feelings, my emotions. None of it matters. I haven't been this low in I don't know how long and genuinely I have no idea what to do anymore....

Update: so there might be a few of these in the near future if anyone cares.

First I wanna start by addressing a point made at least twice. We were poly for 8 years, swinging for about 4 years. We've had a couple relationships dating together neither of which worked out. A scenario before hand that I genuinely do not remember and never actually did remember. And then the relationship with J.

On to the Update. So we found out the driving force behind all this. She's been jealous since day one. Instead of communicating what she was feeling she did everything to avoid it. Got mad when I couldn't read her mind and yes I know that is said a lot by men but I really mean that one. She literally told me something else entirely was wrong and because I couldn't figure out it was jealousy or read her emotions beyond what she was literally telling me, she felt like I was just brushing off her feelings. She lied about the jealousy and kept a lot of what she was feeling hidden. She didn't like seeing me happy with someone else and didn't know how to or didn't want to communicate it. So she held it in til she blew up and no longer wanted to do anything anymore.

In the attempt to figure this out she started shutting down and not wanting to communicate. So I basically told her she needs to determine if being with me is something she wants because if she doesn't want to work through our issues regardless of polyamory then she doesn't want us to actually be happy. And she also needs to determine if she really wants to keep having this conversation. I came off a little ruder than that but ultimately that's how our conversation ended. This far.

Thank you all for the advice, even if I didn't respond I have read every response. I still need to process and grieve and I'm not sure when or if I'll actually get over this. At this point I'm struggling and still having to set it aside to help her out. I do want to try counseling but she also has a really bad habit of not wanting to actually work through any hard emotions so I have no idea if that is even worth it or just a waste of money. I will update again if necessary but that's all for now.