TLDR: after being monogamous for many years I’ve been poly for the last 2. I’ve met someone great who doesn’t know much about poly but is maybe open to it. I’m not sure if we need to start having more discussions about poly now or if I should wait longer for that. I’m worried talking about it too much too soon will derail the relationship but not saying enough about it will hurt his feelings if he eventually finds out.

I’ve been single for about 2 years after back to back LTRs/engagements that lasted a total of 12 years. I’m almost 40 so I spent a good portion of my adult life in monogamous relationships.

I was aware that other types of relationships existed but didn’t really know much about them. They seemed strange and foreign to me.

I did know a few people over the years who had nonmonogamous relationships or at least tried to. And over time I got more interested in that style of relationship especially bc my sexual needs and my partners needs didn’t really align. Some kind of open relationship seemed like a possible solution. But we never took that step and broke up a couple years ago.

Since that time I have been dating in a more polyamorous way. I’ve had some instances of a more kitchen table style and some instances where it was more don’t ask don’t tell. I haven’t had any relationships that were terribly serious though since starting this phase of my life. So I don’t really know what being poly with a primary partner would feel like.

But the last 6 mo-1 year I have gotten more interested in something long term and serious. Given my age and other factors I don’t plan to have kids but would have no problem being a step mom. I think I would like to be married but the legality of it is less important to me than the level of committment.

That said, I don’t really know if I want a poly or monogamous connection. I don’t want to just default into monogamy like I did in the past. But I also can’t deny that I have lingering hopes about finding “the one” (even though I logically know the concept is bs)

So I’ve been dating people who are both poly and mono. Though, if they are mono, I give them a little of my history to make sure poly is at least something they are aware of and would consider.

I met someone great like 6 weeks ago. It’s still early but I feel like I’m falling for him…and he seems to feel the same.

He has been separated a year and divorced 6 months. Good terms with the ex and they coparent well. He has been open about being a little gun shy about commitment and Ive told him it would be highly unlikely he’s ready for something serious so soon after divorce. So we are taking it slow. At least in theory.

I did bring up my poly journey on like date 2 or 3. He was only vaguely aware of the concept. He said he’s open to discussion. We haven’t talked about it again.

I feel like things are getting more serious with this guy. I stayed overnight at his house for the first time and we talked a bit about future plans. It just feels like this is going in a serious direction. I’m excited for that but also anxious given my past.

I feel like I need to bring up poly again and have a more detailed discussion of it. Though I like this guy a lot, I don’t know if the sex piece is going to work for me long term. We are figuring it out but although I’m quite attracted to him I don’t know if our bodies fit together quite as well as I have experienced in some other connections. Unfortunately sex has been a big problem in multiple relationships for me so I’m hesitant to be sexually exclusive. But I also couldn’t see myself having a “just sex” relationship with someone bc I am at least a little demi sexual and need to feel some emotional connection to be comfortable in a sexual space.

At this point the guy and I haven’t had any kind of “define the relationship” discussion. He might be seeing others still. I kind of hope he is. I feel like maybe he needs to sew some wild oats after being married. Maybe I am one of those oats.

I don’t really want to ask “are you seeing other people?”

At the same time though I am seeing one other person and may be reconnecting with another. I feel like if this guy found out about this he might feel sad or rejected. I don’t know why I assume he would feel that way…but I just have the sense he would. I’m worried that talking about poly and disclosing too much about my other partners could derail what I think is a really good relationship that has substantial promise. But I’m also not ready to cut off the other connections.

What do you think? Should I explain more about poly and my journey (even though I’m not quite sure what I want in the future)? Or should I just keep that info to myself for now and see how things go? Or…should I do something else?